jobs applications be like “submit your resume”….wtf?? how’s that creepy baby from twilight gonna help me get this job
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The time between the nurse leaving the room and the doctor entering is for exploring and trying out as many tools as possible
I got my kid these awesome new bath toys so obviously she spent the whole time playing with a shampoo bottle
[at doctor’s office]
Nurse: You may get undressed now.
Me: [rips off tear away pants]
Nurse: Most people wait until I’m out of the room but okay.
People who bite popsicles, where are the bodies hidden?
“Oh really? Sorry, my emails have been acting funny lately”
They haven’t.
HER: I’ve never known someone to google things during sex
ME: we learned a lot though
HER: you screamed “ostriches are faster than horses”
PSA: Tipsy driving is drunk driving.
If you text your boss that you can’t come in and include the poop emoji, he doesn’t ask any questions.
Peter Jackson just found a postcard JRR Tolkien wrote his nephew in 1938. He’s turning it into 22 nine-hour films.
I don’t go out very much because I’m broke, but oh boy, once I’m rich, I’m gonna have to come up with another excuse.
me: I’m into essential oils
pal: oh yeah, what’s ur favourite
me: canola
The hardest part about raising a centaur baby is having people know you banged a horse.
you can hear the blood in your veins if you listen varicosely
Columbus: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Well–
Columbus: *just yanks me out of my car and drives off in it*
My salad is dry.
That’s a problem that needs a dressing.
Oh wow, she’s so whimsical and fun. Ope, I’m wrong. She’s just plastered in the middle of the day.
A car pool is an extravagant waste of water.
The best way to infuriate a mom is to open a second box of something when there’s still a box of the same thing already open.
ISAAC NEWTON: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at his feet* i have just discovered gravity
ME: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at my feet* i have just discovered fruit by the foot
Please pray for my 9 year old who will apparently need surgery to remove a bandaid.
I stand out like a peanut in a turd.
My kids don’t drive me to drink. Can’t wait until they get their license and they can though.
the pasta portion size at kourtney kardashian’s wedding is the one of the saddest things i’ve ever seen
me: I’m stuck in a time loop
friend: *sighing* is your watch on too tight
me: my watch is on too tight 🙂
Had a nightmare then couldn’t go back to sleep so I got up and ate the cheesecake or at least I hope that’s what it was.
Me: coming to the office Xmas party?
Steve: no [whispers] Lisa just lost her father
Me: there’ll be like 50 of us there. We’ll help you look
I sent my boyfriend a picture of my taco. Yeah, he was disappointed that wasn’t a euphemism as well.
17 told me I was “mid.” I don’t know what that means, but I’m going to change the WI-FI password about it.
Whenever someone tells me “make yourself at home” at their house, I always clog their toilet
It would be easier on everyone if my kids’ teachers would cut out the middle man and email my homework assignments directly to me.