I’ve been wearing the same clothes for almost 7 years now because a girl wrote “never change” in my middle school year book.
You Might Also Like
Anybody here really good at Wheel of Fortune? I need help figuring out a drunk dm.
I forgot the word confetti so I just said jazz hands graffiti
When I’m mad at my kids I like to sing the wrong lyrics to the music as I rage clean just to piss them off. That way we can all be mad at each other.
[takes a drag from a cigarette] Her middle name was Danger. Her first name was Danger. Her last name was Danger. Her parents were stupid.
Haters gonna hate
Alligators gonna alligate
Waiters gonna wait
Jet Fuel can’t melt steel beams
Potatoes gonna potate
Who called it baking and not making love
My body is a “wonder what happened” land
I like men who play hard to get.
So when my Fiancé called off the wedding and started dating my Brother, I knew he was the one for me.
“Take it with a pinch of salt,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Made horrible tea.
I saw a dating profile that said “No felonies” but I am not sure if that meant her or me.
Me: *winks*
Him: *googles signs of a stroke*
People say I’m a bad person, but they’re just jealous that they can’t kick pigeons as far as I can.
I would never feed you to the wolves.
You’re too toxic and I like dogs.
waitress: are there any allergies at this table?
me, already drunk: POLLEN
Ashley Madison website is having problems. But instead of addressing them directly, it’ll just look for a younger hotter website on the side
May you never be as bored as whoever figured out that holding a seashell to your ear sounds like the ocean
i just got paid $40 for a 9 second video of me brushing my teeth. i will never do anything for free again.
You know what doesn’t charge $20.00+/month and prevent you from sharing a password?
A book.
“I thought it might be nice to go round the room and say a bit about ourselves”
Oh dear you thought wrong.
[1st time buying drugs]
Me: can I get a *reads smudged notes on hand* married iguana
Guy: *opens coat to reveal married iguanas*
Me: hell ya
America: OH MY GOD. Some guy got shot in Ferguson.
World: We’re kinda busy with the 191,000 deaths from the Syrian Civil War
I pan fried chicken tonight.
On another completely unrelated note: the firemen in my town are gorgeoussssss.
My circadian rhythm is a cat lost in a corn maze.
Me: I CAN’T BELIEVE THAT PERSON THINKS I LOOK LIKE I’M IN MY LATE THIRTIES
Also me: is 40
“What are these markings on the map?”
“They’re hill areas”
“Yeah they’re very funny, but what do they mean?”
“Dreadfully mediocre.”
“Astonishing lack of imagination.”
“Your child peaked at age 5.”
– why my friends no longer invite me to school plays
I work in the entertainment industry, so the only way I could lie more is if I worked in politics.
For my lower body, I do 30 squats and 30 lunges. For my upper body, I put on and take off my sports bra.
The lawn guy asks to use my bathroom. A flicker of doubt. Is it safe to have a stranger in my house? Do I put out the fancy soap?