*3am
Me: *thinking* That bird sounds pretty damn happy for the middle of the night.
Bird: *chirping* Dear God why can’t I sleep?!!!
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My ex-wife got all the coffee when we split up. It was grounds for divorce.
Chattanooga is my favorite town that sounds like an old-timey car horn
Gonna turn my life around!
[10 min later]
Oh well, I tried.
My favorite thing about teaching high school is when a student turns something in a week late and then emails two hours later because I haven’t graded it yet. It’s great.
I bought and named a star after you.
If you look to the west on a clear night you will see Sociopath.
My superpower- Finding shortest checkout line that takes the most time.
I experimented a ton in college. I tried naps in the evening, naps in the morning, sometimes even 3 naps in a row.
*maintains eye contact while slowly putting in ear buds as you’re talking to me*
Dons gloves and bandana.
Saunters into restaurant.
THIS IS A TAKE OUT!
[first day in prison]
“I need to speak to management. There is no way I can use this generic bar soap on my face.”
It’s not so bad once you convince your kids that Santana is Christmas music.
Just saw an ad for a local psychic fair. I’m not planning to go, but I guess they already know that
To ‘There’s a Hole in the Bucket’
I can’t access my network
Dear IT, Dear IT
I can’t access my network
Dear IT, accessThen check your email
Dear cheeky, dear cheeky
Then check your email
Dear cheeky, check itI can’t access my network
Dear IT, dear IT
(repeat endlessly)
Told my daughter that whoever takes the longest nap gets to choose what’s for dinner.
And now we wait.
I changed my phone ringtone to the doorbell sound bc I don’t answer that either.
If Billy Joel rewrote “We Didn’t Start The Fire” about 2020, it would be a 37 hour long song.
[screaming from my front porch] You teens get off my lawn and register to vote!
YES
YES
YES
YES
YES
-me watching the pizza delivery guy on my GPS app as he gets closer to my house
Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, a monkey, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.
Doctor: “Hey, how are you?”
Patient: “I am good”
Doctor: “Ok. Next.”
[first night in hell]
This isn’t so bad, really. I expected worse.[6 AM, waking up to every neighbor mowing their lawn]
ARE YOU KIDDING ME
In the old days if you wanted to hit snooze you had to shoot the rooster with a tranq dart that lasted exactly 9 minutes
*being wrestled away from mall santa by security* u hav TWO WEEKS until deadline and ur out here doing PHOTO OPS?! WHOS DOINGE THE REAL WORK
A choir of Spring onions
Me: I’m gonna put a note in our son’s lunchbox
Wife: Aw that’s nice
[Later]
Son *reading* sorry I ate your sandwich
Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…
Last night, we decided to play UNO as a family & wouldn’t you know it’s the perfectly named game because it only took playing one round for my kids to hate each other
According to the 2nd law of thermodynamics, when parents relax, children must increase the amount of disorder in the universe to compensate.
I tink there’s a deal going down in your backyard!
Every time someone makes a typo, I look at the location of the letters on the keyboard to consider whether it’s justified.