My wife thinks she was able to finally get rid of my favorite chair on the neighborhood free page except it’s actually me coming to pick it up later.
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Stock market update:
Last month 401 k
This month 401 not ok
Butterflies have 1,200 eyes. That means they spend 7 months taking out their contacts every night.
My first instinct when I see an animal is to say “hello”. My first instinct when I see a person is to avoid eye contact & hope it goes away.
My coworkers refused to believe I made the delicious Potluck lunch dish I brought and they kept claiming my wife did. In keeping with this toxic workplace atmosphere of distrust, I’m not telling them it was store bought.
*Sees someone tying a yellow ribbon around a tree*
Me: Oh dang, Groot knows karate
reporter: an asteroid is predicted to hit earth this week
me: *vacuums a little faster*
I would be okay with a ghost in the house if every time a bathroom mirror fogged up with steam, it slowly wrote out “DID YOU LOSE WEIGHT?”
It’s funny how Gina who cheated on me in 9th grade because I was “too much of a prude” is now a Catholic school teacher.
My 1yo son doesn’t even know how to use pockets, and yet his clothes have millions of them while I’m over here with my phone in my hand and my car keys in my mouth
Nobody does “I’m walking back inside the house but as slowly as possible to indicate I’m not happy about it” like a dog.
Dating in your 50’s is great!
Although my husband’s not that keen, tbh
“Bro I hate my eyebrows”
“You serious bro?”
“I think they’re too big, bro”
“Bro, with your face shape, they perfectly frame your eyes. I would kill for your brows, bro”
“Bro :’)”
Wife: Go out for breakfast?
Me: Sure!
Wife: Ok, let me shower first.
*showers, dresses & puts on makeup*
Me: Where should we have lunch?
my new yoga pose is called the lounging hippopotamus
I’m going to say sky diving is probably not for me since I just screamed when the toilet seat shifted.
Wife: Ooh, did you already brush your teeth?!
Me, hiding my 7th Mint Julep: Yesh.
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
If Kellyanne Conway is right and microwaves spy on us, the CIA has a hell of a lot of data on me reheating coffee then forgetting about it.
Step 1: achieve tumescence.
Step 2: figure out what tumescence is.
My husband and I play this game where we buy potato chips the other one doesn’t like so we don’t have to share.
[feudal japan]
ME: we are disgraced! we must commit sudokuOTHER SAMURAI: *disemboweling himself* it’s called seppuku
ME: *sharpening pencil* you do you buddy
“a perfectly placed emoji is better than good punctuation.. ”
said No Teacher ever
Avoid talking politics at Thanksgiving this year by getting a sweet neck tattoo the day before
As often as I lose lighters and sunglasses, it’s a good thing I never had kids.
Or did I?
My wife spent two weeks deciding what color to paint the bathroom. I got a cat on my 9th birthday and named it Cat.
What idiot called it Santa’s holiday and not his sleighcation?
This made me chuckle cuz mood
Jesus: I don’t wanna stay with Mary and Joseph this weekend
God: you know the deal, you can live here with me but Christmas & Easter you stay with them
Jesus: Christmas and what?
God: what
Putting tape over my webcam so the hackers can’t watch me take unreasonably large bites of food.
I’m rubber. You’re glue. He’s glitter. She’s decoupage. Welcome to our crafting gang.