If you believe that no great story ever started with someone eating a salad, then you’re using the wrong kind of mushrooms.
You Might Also Like
Of course it’s you and not me. I’m freaking amazing.
me: damn! this pizza burned the inside of my mouth
*immediately takes 2nd bite*
The best way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once.
[Waking up]
Me to me: I see my assassin failed.
$19.99 because $20 is an outrageous amount of money!
Everyone writes, “why I’m leaving New York,” but no one writes, “how it’s going in New Jersey” 🧐
poor people rarely die from ski related injuries
Husband: Let’s talk about it when we’re not tired and cranky.
Me: So, in like 18 years?
I just read more people are killed by toasters than sharks. So if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster SWIM FOR YOUR LIFE!
Most of the sports bras I own are because I couldn’t get them off before leaving the store.
The Macarena is pretty menacing if you do it in silence in the queue at the bank.
my last few brain cells clinging on for dear life
Logic says the screw I dropped should be somewhere by my feet, but science says it’s under the couch in the other room.
The older I get, the more I understand why Squidward is always so annoyed.
The “give me your tired, your poor” quote under the statue of liberty makes sense, because that’s the nyc lifestyle. “you’re already broke and exhausted? great. you’ll love it here.”
CUSTOMER: What’s it run on?
YODA: [first day as an electric car salesman] Watts, it run on.
CUSTOMER: Ok I need to speak to your manager, you baldy parrot.
I text him the eggplant emoji along with “I would like this tonight” (because I’m planning dinner) and I have never seen a man so excited for vegetables.
So glad we cleared that up
“I don’t have this many cats to sleep alone,” I yell threateningly down the hall to my cats who are all sleeping in the living room.
Getting my 6yo from a playdate today:
6: “Bye! Thank you! You need to wash your hair!”
Friend’s mom (laughing): “I do?”
6: “Yeah, it’s black near your head!”
Friend’s mom (still laughing, thank god): “Oh honey, those are just my roots.”
Me, dying 1,000 deaths: “Time to go!”
Name please
“Yo-Yo Ma”
Your full name
[quietly] “Yoghurt-Yoghurt Marmalade”
I’m digging this new iPhone 11 Pro. It has a separate camera for each one of my chins.
God: you’re a garter snake.
Garter Snake: I’m a snek?
God: no you’re a snake.
Garter Snake: I’m a snek!
God: [sigh] fine you’re a small snek.
Garter Snake:
God:
Garter Snake: I’m a smol snek?
Me: *meeting a priest* Nice dress, bro.
I hate reality shows. Like this one, for instance, called “The News.”
me: the opposite of “some” is both “all” and “none”, which are also opposites of each other but not opposites of “some”
the pentagon: who else have you talked to about this
God: make a thing where humans blow mucus out of their face at 500 mph..
Angel: .. we’ll call it a sneeze
God: … fine. But make sure they do it AT LEAST three times in a row
The east coast is experiencing a “Snowpocalypse” or as Canada calls it “Monday”
Men pick a hairstyle at 15 and call it good until baldness or death.
Rethinking this whole Mastodon thing