Me: [doing crossword] 41 band; three letters.
Wife: sum.
Me: human parts; four letters.
Wife: body.
Me: upon a time; four letters.
Wife: once.
Me: to pay; four letters.
Wife: toll.
Me: 90’s slang; three letters.
Wife: duh.
Me: refer to myself; two letters.
Wife: me.
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“Night shift again, Harry?”
“Someone has to patrol the streets.”
“Get you something to eat?”
“How’s the tuna today?”
“Edible.”
“I’ll have a sammich then, Doreen.”
“You got it, hon. Back in a jiffy.”
reminder: the best way to say benedict cumberbatch is to the tune of photograph by nickelback
girlfriend: I’m seeing someone behind your back
me: *believes in ghosts* is it my grandpa
“There’s more than one way, to skin a cat.”
Things not to say to a woman, when they ask if you prefer shaved or trimmed.
Saw the eye doctor, and that’s 90% of the vision test right there.
If a vegetarian who eats fish is a pescatarian, is a vegetarian who eats chicken called a poultrygeist?
Made eye contact with a dude walking his dog while I was taking a sip of water from my bottle. The cap was still on. We both noticed.
Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.
[Phish concert]
“I have to pee.”
“Go when the song’s over.”
“How will I know?”
Just went through a month of transactions on my bank account because someone has been spending my money… and lo and behold – it was me
[sees wife getting changed after work] you should leave them high heels on
“ohhh yeah?”
[thinking about the spider on the bathroom ceiling] yeah
But what if it’s actually three trench coats disguised as a guy in a trench coat?
Deleted duck from my autocorrect so it no longer keeps ducking changing my favourite ducking swear word.
ONLINE QUIZ: “According to your answers, the Sorting Hat says you are a: —HUFFLEPUFF—”
BIG BAD WOLF: Whaaaaaat?? That has to be the stupidest thi– oooh, I get it…
God making women: make them sexy and sophisticated but also confusing to operate.
Angel: soooo like an espresso machine?
Never trust a woman sucking a candycane into a sword.
Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
I’m that asshole that holds the door open for you when you’re 50 feet away. You know, so you have to run a little.
If it doesn’t make you afraid to go to the bathroom the next day, it’s not really hot sauce.
My son told me he had a loose tooth so I asked him which one and he said “Gary.” This little weirdo named each of his teeth!
Wear only a towel around your waist and you can get into just about anywhere if you just repeat “so sorry so sorry” and keep moving forward.
CONGRATULATIONS
It has been
2̶4̶ 0 days
since you last stepped in cat puke.
Entomologic:
Firefly= not a fly
Butterfly= not a fly
Mayfly= not a fly
Stonefly= not a fly
Scorpionfly= not a flyBee louse= fly
This has been “Entomologic”
#entomologic #entomology #SciComm #bugjokes
lol – getting pizza slice and the guy in front of me (trying to banter with the cashier) is like “you made mine with extra love right” and the cashier very solemnly and Eastern European accentedly said “it’s made with normal amount pepperoni”
Humans will not be fully evolved until everyone achieves the ability to maintain a constant speed while driving.
I ordered some stuff online & they tossed a huge pack of bandaids in the box (that I didn’t order) like they’d met me.
me: hey how much for the dinosaur
guide: that’s a giraffe
me: how much
guide: the animals aren’t for sale
me: ok gimme two of these giant broccolis how much
guide: those are trees
me: [sighs] how much
My 6yo was losing in a game of air hockey with my 9yo, got frustrated and refused to continue. I tried talking to her about not giving up in these situations and she said “Well, you give up when you’re arguing with mommy.”
You’d think I was wanted for murder the way I react when someone knocks on my door..
it was the best of times (adding to cart) it was the worst of times (seeing the total plus shipping)
Yoda: “You must unlearn what you have learned.”
Me: “Got it.”
*shits pants*