Coworker: Do u have a phone charger?
Me: No.
CW: How about the 1 on your desk?
Me: WHO ARE U CALLING A JIGGABOO LINDA?!
CW: OMG! *runs away*
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Slowly crawl towards your sleeping dog, put your face directly next to its face, and whisper “I know it’s been you shitting in my yard.”
What are people in motels doing that they need such a steady and reliable source of ice?
Welcome to parenthood. Have you ever wondered what it would be like if a day was 3267 hours long?
Freezing bananas before they go bad is a great tip I learned 6 months ago. Now I have a freezer full of bananas
Save your money- instead of a swear jar, just wash your mouth out with cilantro
I’m home alone for the first time in 45 years and I’m only 39
Buzz: hey Neil where do cows come from?
Neil: I dunno where
Buzz: the moooon haha
..
..
*single gunshot*
Neil: uh Houston we have a problem
I overheard two female coworkers say there was a creepy dude listening to their conversation.
Went to the gym for the first time in months. It turns out I’m more ready for exhuming than I am for exercising.
“We had unprotected sex. Give us a present.” — the subtext of every baby shower
“I take pride in my job. I transport the worlds most precious cargo”
-oh, u drive a school bus?
“LMAO Hell no! I’m a drug smuggler u nerd”
Why do they say “break a leg !” to actors ?
If you said “tear an ACL !” to a star athlete,
you’d be shot on the spot.
I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.
Her: When you said you could do magic in bed, this isn’t exactly what I was exp….
Me *holds up the ace of Spades*: Is this your card?
Her: Wow!
[Biologists naming Eels]
b1: ocean sneks
b2: bitey noodles?
b3: what do the dolphins call them again?
those guys holding fish in their dating profile pictures are just demonstrating how they’ll carry you over the threshold after marriage.
the joke is that people say “hold my beer” before doing dumb things but I grew up around people doing dumb things and I never saw one of them put their beer down first
The neighbor has a sign next to the sidewalk under his tree reading, “Caution, this tree has a history of dropping branches.” A “history”? Does this tree have a rap sheet? Is he a bad influence on my trees?
“If people work from home, how will I socialize?” You will have to go into the forest, bribe an old witch & have her summon new friends for you like the rest of us have to
Full confession: I’ve begun taking an hour a week to destress by soaking in tub with bath salts while listening to classical music.
And it would work if that little voice in my head wouldn’t say each time, “This is the exact setup in a movie where someone is violently murdered.”
Squirrels don’t want to wear shoes no matter how cold it is I tell the emergency room physician
Time flies when you throw your alarm clock out the window.
Daughter, who can clearly see me cleaning the toilet: “Mom do you like being a grownup?”
Wife: We named you after Grandma
Me: Yes that was my idea!
Grandma: They all laugh at me at school
280 characters, baby, and you know what that means:
OXFORD COMMAS.
OXFORD COMMAS AS FAR AS THE EYE CAN SEE!
Office printers are like predators that can smell stress.
If it weren’t for bad decisions, I’d be pretty indecisive.
*waking up to dog kisses*
Good morning…such a good boy…yes I love you too…you raided the garbage again didn’t you…
Relationship status: Lucy holding the football for Charlie Brown to kick. She’s Lucy. I’m the football.