According to math, I’m broke
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me at 20: i’ll do anything.
me at 46: this drive thru has too tight of a turn radius.
[At the first thanksgiving]
Pilgrims: Im thankful for the land you gave us
Natives: we didnt give you land?
Pilgrims: *winks at the camera*
psychic: “I see… I see kids in your future”
me: “but I’ve had a vasectomy”
[9 months later … me tending a goat farm]
“This’s bullshit”
(Husband asks to see my phone)
Swallows phone like a boa constrictor.
A level of petty I can get with 🤣
My former lover describes his beloved: “She’s amazing in a hundred different ways.” My guy describes me: “Chatty.”
Oh sweet embrace of morning, envelope me in your welcoming arms & brightly shine on this glorious GODDAMMIT! WHO DIDN’T FLUSH THE TOILET?!
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me, sweating: You finally found out I took my third grade teacher’s eraser without permission?
Cop:
Me:
Cop: Speeding
Me: Oh phew!
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
“sup shorty” – a giraffe, probably
if you ever feel useless, remember someone made a protective cover for Nokia 3310
Me:”If you ever give me another gift with ‘some assembly required’, you’re dead to us.”
6:*writing thank you card* But, um..
Me: Write it!
I like my men like I like my coffee shops.
Clean.
Smells nice.
Free wi-fi.
Do I have to wear real clothes?
-my kid on the last day of school
I bet the people worried about what’s in the vaccine never even take a peek in the kitchen when they eat in a restaurant
Why is everyone getting married at me
I don’t understand how planes work and I’m scared if I think about it too hard the plane will also realise it doesn’t make sense and drop out of the sky 🙁
“He be dead.”
Who? Your English teacher?
Me: Our kids are finally at an age where we can sleep in on week-
Youth sports: Let me stop you right there.
How do stick men play fetch with their dog?
I saw reduced fat wheat thins at the store and I thought, is this hell?
[trying to stick a dollar in a vending machine]
vending machine: i have a boyfriend
My corpse will likely be too lazy for rigor mortis.
Some people aren’t just missing a screw the whole toolbox is gone
the things my dad sends my mom 😭😂
*at divorce court
Me: She hasn’t touched Mr. Peppy in 10 years, your Honor.
Judge: I’m sorry – What??
Her: I win, right?
Hey guys, I know what we can do! Let’s summon Satan!
-My kids and their cousins at 6am when I’m trying to sleep in.
When all the grocery stores are out of food, those fish holding Tinder dudes will look pretty damn good.
*shampoos & conditions hair
*rinses hair
*blowdries hair
*straightens hair
*spits toothpaste into hair
cashier: have a nice day
me: i got other plans, buddy