The dentist asked me what music I wanted to listen to during my root canal so I said “More Than A Filling.”
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Microwave sparked and is suddenly dead, now I really have no idea what time it is.
accountant: “youre basically broke”
wife: “he keeps spending money on stupid stuff”
me: “lets ask the dog if he thinks his jeans are stupid”
Shampoo bottles are more dramatic than little brothers. Like I barely touched you! Why did you fall down!?
The local news says we can tell there’s been a power failure with their new app.
Call me old fashioned but the lack of lights tips me off.
My personal history can best be understood as a series of catastrophes.
A peacock is just a chicken made by Versace.
I think there should be a mandatory test at 16 that you have to pass and if not, you get neutered or spayed.
I’ve gained a couple lbs so I went and bought some new granny panties and I’ve gotta say if there’s a fire at our house my 7yr old can use those suckers to parachute from the top floor to safety.
A reality show where gay marriage opponents have to live under 100% Biblical laws for six months so they can show us how awesome it is.
I have yet again allowed myself to get one year older. Thinking about doing it at least one more time.
wife: i’m going into labor
husband: when
wife: now
husband: [sets plate of nachos down] jesus christ karen i just made these
What’s the new etiquette rule: am I supposed to wait until everyone is done photographing their meals before I start eating mine?
Oddly, Tripoli doesn’t have a single E.
the highest compliment is someone asking for ur soup recipe and the highest ego swell is telling them there isn’t one
Me: Ok, who got Oreo filling on the couch?
Husband:
4:
7:
Me: Well…
7: It really could have been any of us.
4: (licks couch)
A snail can sleep for up to 3 years. I didn’t know it was even possible to be this jealous.
Gangs should do drive-bys with t-shirt guns it’d be less violent & the shirt could say “you suck” so the target still gets the message
A survey found one in five women have ended a relationship because their significant other was too busy playing video games.
that de-escalated quickly
I’m boycotting 50 Shades of Grey because it perpetuates the stereotype that men can change.
*goes to get phone out of car
*sees car has been stolen
*finds phone in back pocket
OH THANK GOD
Coworker: You smell good. What is that? Armani?
Me: Thanks! It’s Febreze. I just took a dump.
cooks vegan zuchinni alfredo for dinner (evolved). follows it up with fistfuls of shaved parm straight out of the tub (caveman brain)
“what does your tattoo mean” i had money and nobody stopped me
Judge: On the charge of murder, how do you plead?
Me: *holds up Monopoly “get out of jail free” card*
Judge: Case dismissed.
The Carpenters did not have nearly enough songs about hammers or sawdust
Your house doesn’t have to be fancy like Graceland or Monticello for it to have a name. I named mine Fred
Detective: Thefts of geese from the local park have continued. Who wants to look at the report?
Me: I’ll take a gander
Detective: *eyes me suspiciously*
I hate when I’m playing air guitar and I break an air string.
I told a joke during a zoom meeting today. Nobody laughed. It turns out, I’m not even remotely funny