A woman just told me I should leave twitter if I don’t have anything sensible to say.
She’s obviously a newbie.
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My financial situation is so bad, I’M being sponsored by a child in Africa
ad for jk rowling’s fantastic beasts and where to find them:
wat if harry poter was pokemon
If you’re not carrying around matchbooks from places you’ve been recently I don’t know why you don’t want your murder to be solved
My toddler said “I’m happy” and then “We’re best friends.” But it turns out she was talking to her cheese.
I could defuse a bomb if it sounded like an alarm clock and I was sleeping.
Wife’s outta her goddamn mind if she thinks I won’t purposely fall off this ladder to prove we should’ve hired someone to wash the windows.
Facebook friend: What a busy day! Aydyn had a soccer tournament and then we completely remodeled the kitchen, then we did a 20 mile bike ride and finished the day with reading 15 chapters of a book!
Me: *is impressed that I actually finished reading her post*
Biden: What if we paint the Mexican flag in the office
Obama: Joe, no
Biden: I already ordered the paint
Obama: Joe
6: Dad, what’s the biggest thing in the world?
Me: Uh
6: Nevermind, Siri…
I have just completed knitting a tiny sweater for my one true friend, who is a grape.
Why hasn’t anyone stopped him?
Didn’t make an insurance claim after a car accident because my dashcam footage recorded me singing Summer of 69 really badly when the collision happened.
Hungover this morning, just accidentally flushed my toilet again right after I’d flushed it and found myself apologizing to it, aloud. So I guess quarantine has turned me into a Canadian?
If I was a vampire, pretty sure I’d find a way to cover blood in cheese.
ONLINE QUIZ: “According to your answers, the Sorting Hat says you are a: —HUFFLEPUFF—”
BIG BAD WOLF: Whaaaaaat?? That has to be the stupidest thi– oooh, I get it…
Recycling bottles.
Pre Covid: These aren’t all mine, I had a party, honest
Covid: I didn’t have a party, I swear, I’m just an alcoholic
Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.
me: *chopping onions*
wife: shouldn’t you use a knife?
me: i took karate lessons for a reason, linda
[Sits on chair backwards]
Now let me tell you about another “righteous dude” who had long hair and wild ideas.
6yo, looking at a cemetery: WAIT HOW CAN THEY ALL DIE IN ONE SPOT
I’ve always heard that ignorance is bliss. My question: Exactly, how ignorant do I have to be before I find bliss?
Twitter is a giant book club, for perverts with no attention span.
what if our teeth screamed obscenities at us every time we brushed them?
Home is where the h…ell did I put my car keys?
I appreciate and am so thankful for all law enforcement officers
…until I’m driving.
A face that lunched a thousand chips.
Dog: Take me out! I need to poop!
Me: Okay, we’re out, go potty
Dog: My bad. I meant I need to poop tomorrow. Thanks for the walk though
Me: IT’S 2AM!
Just saw a restaurant that was Japanese/Italian fusion and I can’t think of anything I want less than cheesy noodle sushi.