I think I just invented four new yoga poses trying to get a chocolate chip that I dropped under the table.
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Behind every HD picture of a girl, there is a
friendzoned DSLR photographer boy 😛
Done with dating sites. I’m now focusing on pizza delivery guys because at least I know they have a job, a car, and pizza.
My boss: Could you come in to work on Saturday this week? I know you enjoy your weekends, but I need you here.
Me: Yeah, no problem. I’ll probably be late though as the public transport is bad on weekends
Boss: Okay, when do you think you’ll get here then?
Me: Monday
If a Facebook video says “you won’t believe what happens next” then I replace “believe” with “care”
I cannot imagine being as bored as the first person to poach an egg
What I say: I’m on a diet. What my mom hears: please cook delicious food and buy chocolate.
@spacej_me this lady at a bar was flirting with me and telling me AI’s will take my job and i was like no way and she was like oh for sure and I was like listen lady there’s no way AI will take my job, im unemployed and she stopped flirting with me at that point
Only two things are certain: death, and Princess Diana’s face on at least one grocery store magazine
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
DRIVER: *turns radio off* Where to?
UNDECIDED VOTER: Don’t rush me I need to hear all the places first. Tell me every place there is please.
What is wrong with Riverdale that ARCHIE was the best option?
Guilt is a dish best served by Mom.
I dunno but if I was a “doctor to the stars” I sure wouldn’t be bragging about it these days
For as much as they teach you “Stop, Drop, and Roll” as a kid, I really expected to be on fire at least once in my life.
Life starts with everyone cheering when you poop and goes drastically down hill from there.
Genie: what are your three wishes
Me: make me a waffle
[suddenly I am a waffle]
Me: no, like a waffle to eat
[in a flash waffle me is on a plate]
Me: no! for me to eat
[a much larger me sits down in front of the plate]
[first day as a cop]
MY PARTNER: oh shit, there’s a body in this house!
ME: yeah frank, there are bodies in all houses, that’s where people live
[at the mechanic]
mechanic: what is the problem
me: my car
Some jerk called me “pretentious” so I called him a “planktupus.” I can make up nonsense words too.
Before Twitter I had to disappoint people in person.
*knock on the door
Satan: Yes?
Santa (pissed): STILL getting your mail!
Oh your boyfriend proposed? Well I just realized my new dress has pockets, so I think it’s obvious who’s having a better day.
Apparently, it’s considered bad form to bring their luggage to the graduation ceremony.
Nice Confederate flag bro, way to commemorate coming in second place in a civil war.
[airport]
GF: I guess this is goodbye
ME: I told you, I’m not very good at goodbyes
GF: [crying] Goodbye
ME: [trying real hard] Hello
7-year-old: I found a penny.
Me: Good job.
7: How many more do I need for college?
If I was a Premier League manager and my team were playing an 8:15pm midweek match, I’d give my players just one piece of advice before kick-off:
Brush your teeth now and wear your pyjamas under your kit. That way, you’ll be able to go to bed quicker when you get home.
Studies show people lose interest in a tweet right about now
Just Jedi mind tricked my BF into buying me a new phone. Well not really, I had to moan during sex and promised to be nice to his mom.
*Jumps out of bed
“Seize the day!!”
*Stubs toe
*Calls in sick