I’ve reached the point in my marriage that my husband fell asleep on the couch and OMG I AM SO EXCITED I GET THE BED ALL TO MYSELF
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“Well butter my biscuit”
-The Pillsbury Doughboy receiving a compliment
Pro tip: Spice up your next blood ritual by writing all the chants in iambic pentagrameter.
Him “I like you”
Me: “Meh, give it five days.
Him: “No I really like you”
Me: “okay. Ten.”Narrator * It would, in fact, take 4.
I think the blue states should get the taco trucks first, and the red states have to wait, because elections have consequences.
i can’t stop writing holiday rom com synopses so i guess i’ll just continue doing it until my hands fall off
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something helpful like YOU’RE SITTING ON YOUR GLASSES
The filling in fortune cookies tastes like paper..
Of course you can trust me with your secret.
*Calls local news team
My kid took out the trash without being asked so imagine my surprise moments later when he asked if he could spend $10 bucks on a video game.
Who called it an allergist and not an antisneeziologist?
At school, Scooby-Doo excelled at the three Rs – biology, Spanish and geography.
Got home at 2:30AM after traveling from Miami to Los Angeles yesterday. I slept 5 hours, unpacked everything, cleaned our entire house, including washing clothes, towels, and sheets + went grocery shopping.
I will never be this productive again, so I had to tell everyone. 😂
I had a cat and a Beta fish once. Then I left my apartment for a minute. After that I had a cat.
One time I drove to the gym and just sat in the car and listened to music. My gym is right next to a bakery and the smell of it lured me out and I went in and got a buttered bagel. I sat in my car eating my bagel watching people go in and out of the gym.
To all those telling me this account is a sin – Don’t worry about it, I plan on forgiving myself later
I’m like a semicolon; most people don’t know what to do with me.
If Reese’s eggs are buy one get one free, there are 0 calories associated with the free one. Live free my friends.
Growing up, a lot of people had crushes on Jennifer Aniston. I just liked her as a friend.
My job just drug tested my coworker but they took the hair from her wig 😂
I’m going to donate these clothes I don’t wear anymore to charity after I drive them around in the trunk of my car for eight months.
At my funeral the priest will throw my corpse into the crowd and whoever catches it will be the next to die
[shows up late for first day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour*
[shows up late for second day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour 2*
Person: I like for people to spell out what they want.
Me: C-h-e-e-s-e.
girls will be like “this is my comfort movie” and it’s The Exorcist
INSTRUCTIONS FOR HUSBANDS TOLD TO DO LAUNDRY:
1.Know when to hold em
2.Know when to fold em
3.Know when to walk away
4.Know when to run
Pretty telling how high and mighty my mother has become since she no longer needs help setting the VCR clock.
If you come home n your dog gives you a lecture about smoking pot, you probably should lay off the acid too.
Wish I had a neck like an owl so when a guy is spooning me right after sex I could turn my head all the way around and say that was awful
Her: draw me like one of your French girls
Me, seductively: *puts her hand onto paper* this will be the perfect hand turkey