Clicking my heels together three times and saying “there’s no place like mozzarella sticks”
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Scientists: we have invented healthy food
Me: are you sure it’s healthy
Scientists: …no
Me: are you sure it’s food
Scientists: …no
I want to walk down the street with my friends and be feared and not have people assume we’re probably on our way to a buffet.
You can make anything sound British if you add the word “force” after the first word.
Eg:
Guitar force
Tea time force
Biscuit force
Football force
When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying
“It’s too late. You can’t stop it now.”
– Every villain in every single movie moments before the hero stops them now
MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very intelligent.
Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home.
Genie: And your second and third wish?
Me: [just killing it on banjo now that my fingers are slightly less fat than they used to be] No need
My superpower is convincing my family I spent all day cleaning by lighting a few candles
The real holiday hell happens after the gifts are unwrapped and it’s time to read instructions and assemble things.
@funTweeters
For “Mean Tweets”Oh I see now, those aren’t your measurements, it’s the fluctuations in your IQ score!
I was an aspiring ninja until the ankle cracks made it impossible.
The worst part of getting a chain wallet for your birthday is that now you have 3 days to send 10 chain wallets to your friends.
Old superstition:
When wife laughs at your jokes:
It means you have guests in the house.
*Holds an old lady’s hand as I help her across the street*
don’t worry ma’am i’m sure the doctors can sew it back on
Since I had to google “exercise” to make sure I spelled it right, I think it’s safe to say I have no idea what to do at the gym.
Celebrities, they’re just like us, except they drink wine and insult each other from their private island
Pretending not to see the judgemental looks of other shoppers in the meat department as I continue to make all the hams kiss.
Money doesn’t grow on trees. Your move, multinational agricultural biotechnology corporations.
I have three brothers but to keep dad on his toes only a couple of us got in trouble at a time.
Surgeon: I can barely cut anything with this scalpel
Nurse: [whispering to patient] I’m sorry he’s just not that into you
The person who named the eggplant must have been:
a) Colorblind, and
b) Totally high
me: *cracks knuckles*
bully: let’s do this
me: i would but i’ve just broken my hand
February 27th, 2020.
I’m 44 years old, standing on the roof, in 40mph winds, of the largest supplier of calamari in the United States…fighting off psychotic seagulls with a broom.
Never give up on your dreams, kids.
Sometimes I just start counting and hope the person talking to me will go hide.
I will continue putting this peanut butter on the wrong side of each saltine until my demands are met.
[Opportunity knocks]
Me: I’m not answering. You should’ve sent a text first.
Just some repair guys and me at work right now. If a pizza delivery guy and a director show up, I’m leaving.
I think all dads are in a secret competition to see who can sneeze the loudest.
Sorry about that time I gave you advice that would have made your life ten times better. Good thing you chose to completely ignore it. Phew.
Kids: “Mom watch this. Watch this. Mom. Mama. Mama watch this. You’re not looking. Mom look. Look at me. You’re not looking.”
Me: merging onto the highway