I made quiche, like a real grown-up. I feel like Tom Hanks in Castaway when he makes fire… I HAVE MADE QUICHE!
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Just saw a mail truck drive by on a Sunday, I assume it was full of either FBI agents or jewel thieves
The cool thing about robbing a library is that you have two weeks before they notice.
My dentist asked me if I had a problem with my gums bleeding. You’d have to be really laid back to not have a problem with that.
You say “leftover bacon” like I’m supposed to know what that is…
Her: How’s your drink?
Me: It’s ok. I can’t taste the alcohol though
Her:That’s cause we’re at the gym and its a protein shake
The first workout after vacation week reminds you of how many cheeseburgers you had while on vacation
Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”
My kid just ended a call with his teacher by saying “this call has been going on a bit too long bye” and honestly, goals.
My kids’ superpower is finding something to fight about after only being awake for 2 minutes.
A French press is when you hug naked
One time I had to Google “What is a Snooki?” ngl I was disappointed it wasn’t a new Muppet
People who complain about parties must not like free food.
You’re not “retaining water” Shannon, you’re retaining the 37 bottles of wine you drank since early March
The Middle Ages were rough because in addition to famines and plagues you had to deal with getting armor for your horse
I’ve been married for about 45 lbs.
Noah’s wife: the ark is falling apart
Noah: glue might work, I have an idea
Horse: it’s weird he brought 3 of us
Your honor these allegations are
Thankful public education taught us Algebra instead of how to do taxes. Because 2 things are certain:
1) Death
2) The Pythagorean Theorem
The early bird gets the worm but the early worm gets eaten, so… I choose sleep.
I’m not a 10. I’m more like two 5s held together by cheese and chocolate.
So I just moved into my new apartment.
Directly below me is a police station.
It would appear that I am above the law.
ME: *rolls up sleeves* time to fix the sink
WIFE: *rolling her sleeves back down* what is wrong with you just fix it
Yesterday CNN reported that “sitting will kill you, even if you exercise” and I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but living will kill you.
My neighbor shouldn’t put up a fake graveyard for Halloween if she doesn’t want me getting drunk and performing Thriller every night at 2AM.
When you marry a fungi, you have to give up certain video games, pizza toppings and recreational drugs out of respect.
reviewed some movies recently
All the good ones are taken.
All the funny ones are fat.
All the smart ones are ugly.All the ones with all of the above are fictional.
Nobody in this grocery store thinks I’m a good bowler. Also, clean up in aisle four.
I can’t deal with men any longer