[zombie apocalypse]
SURVIVOR: That Chuck E. Cheese looks safe let’s take shelter in it
ME: *banned from all Chuck E. Cheese’s for tongue kissing the animatronic rat* You guys go ahead
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My doctor told me I have high blood pressure and short term memory loss.
At least I don’t have high blood pressure.
You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 minutes long
Torturer: I’ll cut your fingers off
Me: I’ll NEVER tell you the passcode!
Torturer: I’ll burn your skin
Me: Never talking!
Torturer: I’ll read the poems you wrote in high school
Me: It’s 2547
My toxic trait is that if you see me naked, that girl from the ring murders you in 7 days
Actually told a girl who’s moving to France soon that “there’s lots of French people over there”. It’s a wonder how I can even bathe myself.
i’m vegan but i’m not annoying about it, like i eat meat and stuff
Can’t afford a deep tissue massage? Try sleeping with a toddler
I promised my kids a genuine New Year’s party: I’ll be putting on my biggest earrings and nicest sweat pants standing on a chair in the kitchen and dropping a ball on their heads
the word: Mildew
my brain: Mother In Law Dew
I wish I could literally LMAO..That sounds like a lot more fun than 90 minutes at the gym.
I love getting phone calls telling me I won a prize for a contest I didn’t enter 🙄
I seriously want my vet to be my primary care physician
I used to think it would be cool to be able to read other people’s minds.
Then I joined Twitter and got over that real quick.
No, I was not playing with myself during the zoom meeting. I was petting my dog
If you put healing crystals in a sock and beat someone with it do they cancel each other out?
“Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus” is on, followed by “Mega Shark vs Crocasaurus”. Nice job, SyFy. Way to GIVE AWAY THAT GIANT OCTOPUS LOSES.
Hey girl, are you a check engine light? ‘Cause I’m not sure what you’re trying to tell me but I have a feeling you’re going to ruin my day.
In 1993, I saw a toddler slip on ice and land on a cat, but I didn’t have any social media outlet to tell people about it. So, here it is.
Me: okay yeah, cool Wu Tang shirt bro, bet you can’t even name one song.
6 month old baby: ……..
My dream is to witness a brawl in a McDonald’s and then be the first guy to try to order after things die down.
Ban Viagra, things are hard enough.
I hope the hot young mom across the street stops mowing the lawn soon. I don’t want my husband having any inappropriate thoughts, like I might start doing yard work.
I’ve just text my new girlfriend that I’m into all sorts of douchebaggery.
Autocorrect clearly has a different idea on what debauchery is.
I planted grizzly DNA under my fingernails so when I choke on doritos the medical examiners assume I was strangled by a bear but fought back
Terminate an unwanted conversation with someone you haven’t seen for years with the words, “Wow. You’ve aged badly…”
young jesus: mom where do babies come from
joseph: [pulls up a chair] yea mary, where DO babies come from?
My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
me: where can I find shovels and toilet paper?
clerk: going camping?
me: no