Your first instinct is gonna to be to spell “leopard” and “deaf” correctly. You’re going to want to resist that. – Best band manager ever.
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I shaved my legs and now my socks keep falling down.
Life is hard.
“Gary give me the gun”
“I thought you had it”
“I TOLD you to bring it”
“I didn’t”
“who brought the getaway car?”
-Disorganized crime
gender reveal party:
-boring
-only 2 outcomes
-too much socializingfather reveal party:
-exciting
-many outcomes
-party may end early
I can’t believe they get women to pay so much for those boots & can’t even spell ‘Ugly’ right…
WELCOME TO DAYLIGHT SAVINGS!!!! IT IS CHAOS!!! WANT A 6 AM GRILLED CHEESE?? DO IT!! TAKE A NAP AT 1 PM? GO FOR IT!! GET MARRIED IN GREECE AND INVITE THREE MEN WHO MIGHT BE YOUR FATHER?? YOU GO GIRL!!!!
Me: [puts dog food into dish]
My dog: eh I’m not hungry
[1 minute later]
Me: [opens package of cheese]
My dog: oh great I’m STARVING
Professional cuddlers probably aren’t going to advertise on Craigslist.
I know this now.
*Walks away with a scar on my back and a missing kidney*
As your mom always said, “Heavy is the head that wears the clown.”
The lazy river is my favorite ride at this amusement park. “Ahhhhh!” I scream as I float in a giant circle, not spilling my drink at all
SF is the wild wild west man
me: i’ll have the mouse for dessert
waiter: that’s mousse, sir
me: hmm, that’ll be too much
My dog gets up faster than I do when the microwave starts beeping.
Me: I stay up late and tweet for AUSTRALIA! Wooooo!
Australia: no need to, we’re good
things are bad enough, today i’m playing goodminton
Zodiac Killer: *serial killing*
Victim: why are you doing this?
Zodiac Killer: you know how Scorpios are lol
Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered
To be honest, given a few tries I think I could do brain surgery.
Movies led me to believe there would be a whole lot more unlocked cars just sitting around with the keys tucked away in the overhead visor.
Humans are 60% water.
Water is 60% sharks.
Humans are 24% sharks.
Tiger Woods: cool name, scary place
Before any important social event or engagement I like to lightly spritz myself with a bit of hollandaise
As you can tell from my outfit, I am not a nudist.
lot of dog owners seem to think their dog has the right of way over me on the sidewalk. nice try buddy i will play chicken with your french bulldog and i will mow him down
Me: [adjusting cargo shorts] These babies are built for performance.
My wife: You’ve been sitting on the couch watching football all day
Me: [pulling a small container of bean dip out of one pocket and a bag of tortilla chips out of another] Was a question in there somewhere?
It’s not about how funny you are, it’s about how funny people think you are. And the majority of people are mentally retarded.
Every time “Cops” comes on I’m like “PLEASE don’t show my episode.”
It could take a lifetime to show someone how much you care, but only 2mins if you stuff them in your trunk
Absolutely insane clap-to-blink ratio
Them: did I tell you about [such & such] ?
Me: Yes
(No they had not)
My kid is having lasagna for breakfast.
Omg I’m raising Garfield!!