My 6yo asked me if she’s gonna have pubic hair one day and when I told her yes she said, “well, I award THAT zero points.” Today she awarded cheese 100 points. This is the only scale I’ll be using from now on.
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the closest I get to a manicure is when I jam olives on my fingers and pretend I’m a tree frog
Meanwhile in Portland…
I’m sure 4 kids fighting about who found the most eggs at 7 AM is exactly what Jesus had planned for today.
My friend’s company gave harmonica keychains to the kids at the family holiday party because they apparently want their employees to hate being at home more than they hate being at work.
My husband said the doctor told him I can suck out his kidney stone. After 3 days of trying, I think he lied to me.
I think my cats hate people as much as I do.
Every time the doorbell rings, they hide under the bed with me.
I don’t make the same mistake twice.
I make it at least 5-6 times to be sure.
me: raises hell
Hell: put me back down!
Obama sure is waiting until the last minute to take everyone’s guns.
Wife: My mom is watching our kids for the night.
Me: Oh, baby. Do you know what we can do?
*falls asleep at 7 p.m.*
*ties husband’s hands to headboard*
*turns out lights*
*opens laptop*“Welcome to my PowerPoint presentation ‘Curtains: How About These?'”
It’s funny how we all sleep differently. I sleep on my side My roommate sleeps on his back. My ex sleeps with everybody. That sort of thing
WIFE: Stop spending money on stupid stuff
ME: Okay
[later]
WIFE: What the hell?
[dog walks by in a tuxedo]
ME: He’s getting married, Karen
My Fitbit’s “SmartTrack” auto-recognized my riding lawn mower as a bicycle and congratulated me for burning 156 calories ipso facto I earned this ice cream
Never trust a man wearing more than 0 necklaces
It’s cute how I ordered 2 drinks and the bartender asked if I wanted to wait for the other person to be seated
5 made a window cling, and it’s the most corrupt Sun I’ve ever seen.
Dad (92): Please don’t put that <item> there.
Me: Okay. Where would you like me to put it?
Dad: Anywhere you like.
Me: (moves item)
Dad: Not THERE.
Had a guy ask me if I would wear a nurse outfit when I saw him. I said flirtatiously “Oh you need me to check something for you?”.
He said “No I just like to roleplay having access to healthcare.”
“Face my fears?” Lol what am I, brave?
The pond is silent. No one has come to feed us bread in a week. Slowly we gather our nerve and begin to wander from the pond. The world is quiet. Empty. We waddle through the streets, unhindered, unchallenged.
Duck World – coming to Netflix this summer
Bout to have the best sleep of my life
[pulling out of the driveway on the way to a holiday party]
HUSBAND: Oh, we’re supposed to bring a dessert.
Doctor: “We got your test results back. I’m so sorry–it’s Curiosity.”
Cat: “Oh my god…”
“I bought a new car!”
Whoa that’s a lemon, how much did you pay?
“Only $3,200”
Dude it’s literally a piece of fruit
“Damn….not again”
Somebody needs to get my shit together.
Today is the only day you can ghost someone and blame it on being festive.
[forgetting the name for leaf blowers] Do you have any wind bazookas?
Every time I go into my boss’ office she tells me “take a seat”. I have 14 now.
This is the coolest video you will see today.