WITCH (using her broom for just sweeping): did we give up our dreams?
WIZARD (using his pointy hat as a piping bag for cupcake icing): yes
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Me: I can’t find my straight jacket.
Him: Please stop calling your sports bra that.
*asks grocery store manager to write a note telling my wife that I looked everywhere but couldn’t find the ice cream she wanted*
Cramming a band’s whole discography just hours before a concert just in case they stop the show and start quizzing me
Me: I think I’m just scared of change.
Therapist: *flips a quarter*
Me: *screams*
10 y/o daughter walked up to me and said, “My Father’s Day gift to you is me because without me, you wouldn’t be a father,” then she added, “You’re welcome,” before walking away and that about sums up being a father.
terminator: come with me if you want to live
me:
terminator: I said–
me: I’m thinking
No, please, let me give up my subway seat to your 6-year-old child who must be bone-tired from a life consisting mostly of playing & napping
Inspiration twitter:
“You’re worth keeping. If others walk away from you for any reason, it’s because they’re losers and they should feel badly.”
Also inspiration twitter:
“Never feel badly about walking away from losers who drain you for any reason. It’s self care.”
Seeing someone’s false eye lash fall off is awkward. I never know if I should catch it or kill it.
Married conversation is like regular conversation except you’re both brushing your teeth.
venmo me $5 and i will find your ex’s hottest photo and start an argument in the comments about new york vs chicago pizza for some reason
Apparently, autocorrect wants me to get my shirt together.
writer: I’m so good at beginnings but never can finish strong
writers wife: *under her breath* ain’t that the truth
I still don’t understand why my boss didn’t like my idea of playing musical chairs at our next Monday meeting. He asked us for new ideas.
‘Sorry I liked your Facebook status, I was using my laptop as a plate’- my autobiography
When you run the vacuum cleaner 9 or 10 times over something that won’t suck up so you pick it up to inspect it and it’s the cat.
Doughnut boxes advertise “ZERO TRANS FAT” as if anyone buying a box of doughnuts cares about the nutritional content.
Mermaid: I lay the eggs
Merman: and I fertilize them
Meredith: I’m Edith, I like to watch
I really want to be a girl who wears black lipstick, but when I try to wear it, I just look like I’ve consumed a lot of oreos, which is not necessarily untrue, but also not the look I’m going for.
I like having conversations with kids. Grownups never ask me what my third favorite reptile is.
Voting has begun in Russia’s presidential election. Results will be known last week
All I’m saying is you’ll never find cheese in a recipe for disaster.
RIP cat who thought sunglasses would stop Medusa
me: i would like a *prepares to wow vietnamese waiter with my attention to pronunciation* “pho”
korean waiter: we do not serve this dish
If you can’t afford anal beads eat marbles and wait
Judge: And that’s how we’re determining who gets the kids in the divorce.
Edward Scissorhands: *nodding*
Kim Paperhands: No.
My husband got *me* a fitness game for the Nintendo for Christmas.
I was like “what are you trying to say?”
Now the kids are at level 130 and wearing themselves out daily while out of my hair.
Turns out he’s a great gift giver.
A child stared at me for ten minutes before he asked what that was on my face
His mum replied ‘that’s a beard’I was that kid’s first beard
“I left my carrot cake from the restaurant in the Uber” and other sad tales of city living.