Too many toilets have automatically flushed underneath me for me not to have reservations about self-driving cars
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I get distracted pretty eas
MURDERER: could a murderer do THIS? *defendant proceeds to not kill anyone*
JUDGE: he’s got a point
You know those lines you see painted on parking lots? I know this will come as a shock to some of you, but you’re supposed to park between them.
Past is the past, it’s all gravy under the bridge.
Astronauts are cowards, why don’t you stay down here and face earth’s problems like a man
Kids save all their deepest questions about the universe for when you’re singing along to a really good song in the car.
Shoplifting may be wrong in a general sense, but what if, for example, I’m bored of paying for things
[girl texting me] you left a sprite in my fridge
[CUT TO] Me, crossing step one off of my “secretly move in with her” plan
I was shit at school. I turned up to the wrong lessons and sat the wrong exams. The rest as they say is geography.
Had a guy ask me if I would wear a nurse outfit when I saw him. I said flirtatiously “Oh you need me to check something for you?”.
He said “No I just like to roleplay having access to healthcare.”
If you don’t know me, don’t judge me. Unless you’re making me a pizza and you say
“This woman looks like she wants extra cheese.” That’s ok
[goes back to Target just for the things I forgot]
cashier: that’ll be $337.48 and can you describe the children
No I’ve never had a tumor removed, but I did uninstall facebook
Sean Swordd: mighty
Sean Penn: mightier
HER: Can I give you my new number?
ME: *Eye roll* I REALLY doubt you came up with a number I don’t already know.
Dress for the job you want, not the job you have. Better yet, dress for jobs that don’t even exist. Werewolf psychiatrist. Clown assassin.
My cat: *jumps up onto my lap, leans into me, purrs*
Me: *smiling at him* Aww! You’re adorable! So sweet!
My cat: *slaps phone out of my hand*
Accidentally took my mother’s id to the polling station and committed voter freud.
when you need to shoot exactly four evenly-spaced dudes
*Hums Every Breath You Take in grocery line
*Gets arrested for stalking 3 people
doctor: you have a brain disorder that causes you to give the most ridiculous responses to serious news
wife: [crying]
me: that’s a spicy meatball
me: =)
dentist: we have to remove some teeth
me: =;
A fun thing to do on a first date is to slip into conversation that you were homeschooled then immediately be baffled by a fork.
Goldfish1: Check out my new castle.
Goldfish2: Castles are symbols of feudalistic oppression of the agrarian working class.
Goldfish1: Calm down. Take a lap around the bowl.
[5 seconds later]
Goldfish2: Hey, cool castle!
oprah: who said that shit
meg: im not gonna say
oprah: okay i respect that
oprah: harry who said that shit to you
For sale: Baby, won’t stop selling its shoes.
Did you know that it takes 0 facial muscles to give you the finger
Me: What should I do if someone breaks in while you’re at work?
Him: Give him a slice of that meatloaf you made last night, and I’ll bury him when I get home.
This isn’t chess folks. Pick a nuggie sauce and move along
The next person who says I’m using chopsticks incorrectly can cut this umbilical cord themselves