friend: this has been the worst day of my life
me, an aspiring motivational life coach: worst day of your life SO FAR
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FYI: hey my wife came home in a terrible mood and I figured I’d read her one of my tweets to cheer her up, turns out that’s a bad idea guys
Even if there’s a murderer behind me, finish chewing before you tell me.
is he actually funny or have you just not had sex in a while
Mama Bear: The porridge is ready
Papa Bear: Perfect let’s leave for a couple of hours
FUN GAME: Ride a bicycle with an empty baby seat on the back down a busy street whilst loudly saying “You’re being VERY well behaved.”
[giraffe party]
me: see?! i told you…
wife: honey, it’s fine.
me: *scanning room for another giraffe wearing his tie up by his head* nope. i’m moving mine down.
20s wristband:
After hours club.50s wristband:
Colonoscopy at the hospital.
didn’t turn any of my pre-dawn work alarms off bc i thought i needed to panic for no reason on my days off
9yo: Mom, do you know where the hairbrush is?
Me: [brushing my hair with a fork] No.
If you ever ask a teen to do something and they just say “sure” without arguing, check that they haven’t been replaced with an android.
*takes all the free samples from the deli counter*
~ adds Freelance Cheese Taster to my resumé
My sons consider “it’s bedtime” my first offer in the negotiation process
A spider crawled out of the head of broccoli I was washing and that’s what I get for not ordering pizza
Every winter Olympic sport is just a variation of either ‘get down hill fast’ or ‘knife feet’
You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.
A gentleman always straightens out the vending machine after shaking it.
[parking lot in the 80’s]
*man appears to be having a heart attack*
MY GRANDMA: calm down everyone, i know VCR
ME: that’s great, grandma. now he can record the shows he’s missing when he’s dead
“Anybody got any change?”
My body tenses as I whisper to my little zippered coin purse, “It’s go time.”
In my late forties, I now find myself with gray hair, a delightful assortment of aches and pains, and surprisingly strong opinions on decorative throw pillows.
The gorilla and I maintain eye contact, separated by only an inch of glass.
He scratches his head… I scratch mine.
He touches his chest… I touch mine.
He shits in his hand… my wife drags me away.
AND ANOTHER THING, is a person in a casket a hot dog, sandwich or ravioli?
A great way to end small talk is by saying “you’re not real, you’re not real.”
People who say ‘be careful what you wish for’ have obviously never wished for free, unprotected, unlimited wifi from their neighbor.
Stop correcting my vodkabulary
you haven’t truly known fear until a long-forgotten furby in the back of your bedroom closet starts screaming in an australian accent at 3am
Me: does it bother you that there are 52 full-sized teeth hiding in the baby’s head?
Her: well it does now
Accidentally used a toe of newt and eye of frog and now Kermit wears a monocle.
Yup….perfect score!
the thing where a kid draws a scary picture and shows it to his teacher, alerting her to a terrible situation happening at home, but it’s my kid drawing a pic of me eating an entire box of donuts