Just got rid of cable and now I can afford a mansion.
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Mr. & Mrs. Darling were unreasonably upset about Peter Pan taking Wendy considering they went out leaving a dog in a hat in charge.
Hansel and Gretel is a timeless tale about the importance of killing old ladies.
I love greens, but not in a sexual way
Platonic salads, so to speak
me: I wish for infinite wishes!
genie: ok
me: wait are you serious
genie: [exhaling cigarette] yeah I don’t give a shit
An app told me I had a notification and the notification was that there were no new notifications, so we’re all dealing with a lot rn
Broom by every window for quick escape.
*Door creaks open*
*Faces lean in*Wife: They need more lunch money.
9: And money for the book fair.
17: And gas money.
13: And can you sign this permission slip?Me, from the commode: Guys… can any of this wait ten minutes?
Don’t talk down to me
Her: You ate that banana so fast, I don’t even think you took the sticker off the peel.
Me: Peel?
Don’t be afraid to love yourself…
…but do it quietly and make sure you get it all in the tissues.
Writing “Omg you guys are still friends after what she said about you???” on every group photo of girls I see on Instagram
Company loyalty can often be explained by Stockholm syndrome.
Q: What’s the safest place to be during a North Korean missile strike?
A: The place they are aiming at.
MAYOR: I now present you a key to the city
ME: So long, suckers!
*hops in city and drives away*
MAYOR: Come back! I need that for work!
All the smart people at the office are worried about being replaced by A.I., but not me. I’m safe until they invent Artificial Stupidity.
i unknowingly took my toddler to the museum with a shirt pocket full of scrambled eggs
Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret. – Ambrose Bierce
Doctor: So what brings you in today?
Me: Stay with me here…I’m pretty sure there is a bus full of elementary age children flying around my small intestine.
[poking you repeatedly in the shoulder] I’ll keep this up until you acknowledge me. I’ve got nowhere else to be.
4yo just referred to me as “your kid” on a call with my parents so now I need to find out why I’m in trouble
Me: I just stepped in dog shit, isn’t that weird?
Her: Not really
Me: Ok, what if I told you I knew it was there?
I remember when I used to play hard to get.. now I’m like hi i love you, ring size 4.5, my uterus is healthy, please marry me.
“You’re free now” I say to my stomach as I unbutton my pants.
murderer: run if you want to live
me: *starts sprinting*
murderer: not like toward me tho
ME: I think it’s time I get my life in order.
MORGAN FREEMAN: But he would not get his life in order. In fact, he got drunk that night and fought a raccoon.
My toddler told me to open my mouth and close my eyes and then proceeded to eat the surprise herself. She’s clearly ready for adulthood
Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you do criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes. End of tweet
criminal: oh no it’s lobster man
lobster man: [quickly sidestepping around them] move one inch and you get the pinch
criminal: [takes out rubber bands]
lobster man: oh god no
Welcome to parenthood, WHY ARE THE SCISSORS NOT IN THE GODDAMN DRAWER??
Sleep is basically free drugs, so people who think you need less sleep are narcs