I just volunteered to take 7 teens on a fishing trip. Who am I, and what does one fish for, besides compliments?
You Might Also Like
Its 4 am and my foot fell asleep are we doing this one body part at a time now
HER: You look so nervous.
ME: *nervously* HA. I’m never nervous.
HER: You’re sweating.
ME: *just freaking out* That’s bravery moisture.
Person 1: The glass is 1/2 full
Person 2: The glass is 1/2 empty
Excel: The glass is the 1st of February
My three favorite things are eating my wife and not using punctuation
My kid: Hey mom, do we stop growing when we get older?
Me: *with a mouthful of mashed potatoes* Not in my experience honey
Medusa was the absolute worst when it came to objectifying people.
Remember when all bombs looked like a black bowling ball with a giant wick in the top? Yep, simpler times.
friend: you can kill ants with a magnifying glass
[later at thanksgiving dinner]
aunt: aww what are you doing with that magnifying glass?
me: i’m gonna beat you to death with it
People complain when my baby is crying and then they complain when I stuff her in the overhead bin, MAKE UP YOUR GD MINDS
I’m not a fan of camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
If there’s a denim jacket on my doorknob it means I’m having sex with a werewolf.
I have strict instructions to my husband that upon my death he has to put that “in memory of my beautiful wife” sticker on the back of his car or I’ll haunt him forever.
But who am I kidding? I’m going to haunt him regardless.
ever wonder what the rest of Michelangelo’s David looks like
The bad news is I spent 10 minutes digging in my bag for a comb.
The good news is I found an earring, a penguin, and half a burrito.
Autumn. When libraries see the classics fly off the shelves as people look for heavy books to press leaves.
Seriously guys, you have no idea how much nothing I can accomplish when I’m on Twitter.
[Police station]
Me: “Not sure what why you guys arrested me. I guess I just have one of those faces. Huh.”
Cop: “That’s right buddy, and if we don’t get it back to the transplant center by noon, they won’t be able to operate. So hand it over, capiche?”
If Scientists invent a pill to make us immortal, I guarantee I’d choke to death swallowing it.
I want a pet donkey that will kick people I don’t like on the command, “huh, interesting”.
I’ve always wanted to walk into a large room and be the most beautiful woman in there. But I’m scared of Walmarts 🙁
I was dating a Masseuse but he rubbed me up the wrong way so now I’m dating his brother the chiropractor, who so really cracks me up.
The only lyrics I can make out in the song “Informer” are “Hey farrrrmer…something….a leaky boom boom cow”.
Not 100% sure though.
Got flagged by airport security because my son had a Magic 8 Ball in his backpack. Two TSA agents debated whether it was ok. My husband said, “If only we had a simple way to answer a yes or no question…” Crickets.
Daughter: He found a garter snake
Mom: Oh crap, if he names it he’ll want to keep-
Dad: *walking in the door* Welcome home, Hiss Pratt
Mom: Damn it
wife: im sick of him jeopardizing our marriage
therapist: how do you respond to that kyle?
me: ill take susan is being a huge baby for $600
Holy shit, there are some disgusting perverts on here… but enough about me.
Boss: Why were you tardy this morning?
Me: I don’t think we’re supposed to call people that any more.
I open my wallet and an accordion of pictures fall out but they’re all of me holding loaves of bread like a fish I caught.
I hate when you meet a new person and you like them, I mean I’m maxed out with 3 friends right now and having a 4th just seems like it’ll eat into nap time
outlook: I’m the most powerful office tool ever made. I can search every email you’ve ever received and keep track of the meetings you have six months from now
me: I would like to still view an attachment after someone replies to the email
outlook: [confused hissing]