I do really good on my diet for like 8 or 9 hours, and then I wake up.
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My laughing hysterically at Tom & Jerry cartoons is always tempered by me knowing that my wife is next to me wondering where her life went wrong.
people really have no faith in me – i told my co-worker, “i had to have coke this morning for a little pick me up” … another co-worker heard me and was like, “what? you did a line before school?”
*in case you all don’t have the faith either – it was a can of coca cola
It’s the weekend, baby! Time to sit in my neighbor’s tree and make bird noises
Because I was late to the cannibal feast, they gave me the cold shoulder.
Ignorant person: “You’re Canadian. You live in igloos, right?”
Me: “You’re American. You live in McDonalds’, Right?
Landlord: The lease said no murders! This is the biggest murder I’ve ever seen.
Crow tenant: *wasted* tell the world, you little shit.
Ever noticed how you used to be embarrassed by things you did or that happen to you, but now your first thought is “I can tweet that”
If “six degrees” is true, somebody tell somebody to tell somebody to tell somebody to tell somebody to tell Scarlett Johansson I said “Hi.”
Has anyone tried lighting a fall scented candle to fix 2020 yet?
Me [being crucified]: my God, why have you forsaken me? *life flashes before my eyes* oh yeh, that’s why.
To everyone who mocked me for keeping my old maternity pants for so long … who’s laughing now
Netflix: are you still watching
Alexa: yeah he’s here
Me: 😳
Craft beer drinkers when someone hands them a pint of actual motor oil
Making core memories with my son by faking heart attacks in McDonald’s as a distraction while he steals mobile orders.
ME: you look great tonight
DATE: the average woman eats six to nine pounds of lipstick over her lifetime
ME: [nervously flipping thru menu] i don’t think they serve that here
[friend asks me to read an article]
brain: “am i taking too long? im not even reading it now. oh god”
me: [hands it back] “very interesting”
casting director: can you play a Canadian?
me: eh?
casting director: [under breath] holy shit
Microsoft Word is the most sensitive thing ever. You move something half an inch and all the pictures move, 3 new pages inserted, fire alarm goes, thunder and lightning, volcano erupts, stock market collapses
A world war 2 bunker with fake air vent
I came home to find my boyfriend mopping the floor and my first thought was, “who’d he kill?”
Preacher: God’s love is unconditional!
Me: Then why is there a hell?
Preacher:……
Me: Your move.
Cause of death: Trying to draw eyebrows on the neighbor’s cat.
My neighbors have both a howling dog and a screaming baby out in their yard. I’d throw a rock or something but I’m afraid I’d hit the dog.
Me: What does that cloud look like to you?
3-year-old: A cloud.
Me: No, what do you imagine it could be?
3-year-old: Rain.
I’m gaining weight because it’s hard to carry around this much “awesome” in a standard-sized body.
coworker: you alright?
me: my lunch isn’t agreeing with me.
my lunch: global warming is a myth
2019 – Go home, you’re drunk.
2020 – Get drunk, you’re home.
I dreamt there was a program called “tigers in tiaras” and you know what?
I’d watch that
[aquarium exit]
Excuse me ma’am, would you mind opening your bag?
I beg your pardon?!
OPEN YOUR BAG
*opens bag and reveals two penguins*
My cat sat up from a dead sleep and stared, frantic toward the empty basement laundry room so I guess I’ll be buying a new house now.