A fun way to make things uncomfortable at work is to buy a box of donuts for everyone but keep them on your lap.
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I had a cat and a Beta fish once. Then I left my apartment for a minute. After that I had a cat.
I like mascarpone cheese. It sounds like the sort of cheese that would have ruled organised crime in 1920’s Chicago with an iron fist.
Me: 3 miles today.
Him: On the treadmill?
Me: No, scrolling on Twitter.
My Comcast internet goes down so often that it’s started an OnlyFans account.
The postman told me he’s off to Spain tomorrow so I asked was he going to Parcelona and he ignored what I believe to be my best joke of 2014
vet: I need to give your dog some shots
me: no he doesn’t drink
me: correct me if I’m wrong-
the internet: sir, we will correct you even if you’re right
The smartest way to keep kids out of a fumigated house is by making it look like a big fun circus tent.
*Queen bee in hive*
“You, go pollinate flowers”
“You, go make some honey”
“You, go buzz around some humans and ruin their picnic lol”
I assume when I get put on hold after I call customer service it’s because 2 guys are flipping a coin to see who pretends to be the manager.
I’m the guy at the gym laying face down on the treadmill telling everyone “I’m ok, I’m ok”
You wanna hot body?
You wanna Bugatti?
You wanna Maseratti?
Then this is an intervention you NEED to stop listening to Britney Spears.
Therapist: Do you think it’s ok to cry?
Me: Sure. Like if you have to go to Costco on a Saturday.
When you have kids, finding a marker lid in your house is like finding a pin without the grenade attached.
I just signed up my three kids for bike and swimming lessons this summer….anyone know who I can contact about selling a kidney?
Octopuses are amazing in that they can squeeze into really tight spaces to hide.
But when I do it, NO ONE is amazed. All I hear is, “Play with us!” from my kids and “STOP hiding under the bed from our kids, YOU ARE NOT an octopus!” from my wife.
[Sigh]
My online boyfriend loves me so much that once I put my money in his PayPal account he is coming to visit me.
My parent trap worked perfectly. I now have five parents.
I hate grocery shopping. That’s why I just steal a full cart when somebody turns away. I never know what I’m getting, but it sure is faster.
How to impress your ex:
1. Get rich
2. Get more attractive
3. Get a tiger
4. Ride tiger everywhere in preparation for confrontation with ex
My wife almost fell down the stairs today and that got us into a heated argument whether my gasp was out of concern or excitement.
Shout out to countless marine organisms who died, accreted on the seafloor, and compacted for eons so I could drive my Escalade to Kmart.
Me screaming at the pollen on my walk before work this morning
My 3yo instructed me to be the monster at the park but just as I was about to grab her she shouted “hey monster, it’s lunch time!” so I’m super impressed with her survival skills
I eat my corn on the cob like an old-school typewriter. This is how the 80’s cartoons taught me to do it as a kid.
*cracking knuckles, sharpening ax, loading 12-gauge*
Alright, it’s time to recite some poetry
*My neighbor rolls over in bed.
Me: You really shouldn’t sleep with the windows open. Now quit hogging the covers.
Every guy feels macho in his car. Until he races a woman who’s late for something.
“Genetically modified food is very much safe for human consumption” the tomato on my plate reassuringly explained to me.