*walks into a room full of people*
*looks around*
*answers fake phone call*
*leaves*
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Saying no thanks to a CW’s offer to hit me with their car so I could take the day off proves decisions shouldn’t be made before coffee
If you pour two beers in one glass, it’s just one beer.
Big decision to make? Sleep on it. Have a nightmare. Then you’ll be operating on pure adrenaline and choose more quickly.
Dear Tech Support,
I twied to puth my tongue in tha USthB port again. Canth you helpf?
The most important lesson I learned from watching The Muppet Show is when cooking meth always test your product on the drummer of the band
Pony: “I love hay so much I-”
Dad: “Why don’t you marry it, ya big nerd?”
*pony grows up*
*becomes Horse Emperor*
*legalizes hay marriage*
If you’re going to text your boss that you’re an hour late, make sure you end with “I’m bringing you a ham and cheese croissant.”
I forgot the word boiling and just called it angry water, i have no idea how i graduated college
Being a “Hopeless Romantic” sounds kinda depressing. “Pull my chair out for me?” .. “I’d love to, but I’ve given up.”
*slides into home plate and crowd goes wild*
Hey everybody, be quiet for a minute!
*pulls out phone, dials number*
Hi mom, I got home safe.
People think doing meth makes you lose weight but actually it’s the climbing buildings and ripping out the plumbing
Realtors are legally required to tell you if the house ghosts are too judgy
This chapter of my life is called.
“Pushing a pull door”
When I’m trying to walk around in my house: Tripping over shoes nonstop because kids leave them everywhere
When I’m trying to get kids out of the house: No shoes to be found, a barren shoeless desert, a tumbleweed rolls by
BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: To infinity and beyond!
ME: Nothing is beyond infinity, I demand realism in my talking toy movie
Damn, this hole is wet
*I say right after stepping into a puddle
7-year-old: I found a penny.
Me: Good job.
7: How many more do I need for college?
OLD MAN: I fought in WWII
ME: Oh yeah? What was your kill:death ratio
OLD MAN: what
ME: Can you rocket jump?
OLD MAN: I wish Hitler had won
Me: pick and choose your battle.
My son: I choose every battle.
You don’t want to see me when you’re angry.
I’ve stopped drinking for good. I only drink for evil now.
[during sex]
ME: I’m Italian, how about you?
HER: Finnish
ME: Ok sure just give me a second
It was so cold UN weapons inspectors suddenly decided that chemical weapons might be hidden in Hawaii
[2016]
*gets rescue dog with the idea that I will excercise more*
[2017]
*dog now also fat*
ME: (slowly undressing)
DMV PHOTOGRAPHER: Stop that.
(Inventing bathroom stalls)
Guy: should the door touch the ground
Other guy: how would we see their shoes?
how tf does a online class run out of seats when the seats not real 🤦🏾♂️
Sometimes I think I have indigestion and gas but then I remember that Jesus lives inside us all.
[interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”Superman: Seriously?
Everytime a chicken looks at me I feel like it knows I eat chicken