I’m a parent, so if another grownup tells me “we’ll see” or “maybe” I know the answer is no
You Might Also Like
I’ll take the seat next to the guy who swallowed the wifi.
[commercial]
WOMAN: have u ever wondered what would happen if a car alarm could swim?
NARRATOR: geese
Spent morning at the farmers market carefully selecting fruits and vegetables to throw away next Saturday.
“Dad this is better than Applebee’s”
Well if you need me I will be over here filling out my MasterChef application.
I went to a baby group yesterday where the babies had to ‘pick’ toy vegetables and the v enthusiastic group leader said ‘everyone grab an aubergine’ and I said ‘that’s how we got into this mess in the first place, amiright?’ and literally nobody laughed
I don’t talk about my ex’s because I like to start of with a clean slate. That, and they’re dead to me. Well, to everyone, but mostly me.
I always go the extra mile at work. That’s why I’m a terrible taxi driver.
[flirting with Jesus]
So…is there a queen of the Jews
Me: [uses “yeet” in a sentence]
14: “mom. No one says yeet.”
Me: “Yeet is cringe?”
14: “MOM NO ONE SAYS CRINGE”
Me: “cringe has been yeeted?”[The glare was EPIC]
Kinda rude the way this hedgehog is running away from me when I’m trying to stick cheese on his spikes.
Pretty sure the “FINISH HIM” guy from Mortal Kombat is giving relationship advice to every girl I date.
Trip to the grocery store ended with 9 pledging to run away because we bought watermelon cubes, not slices like she wanted, in case there’s any Hallmark family movie writers out there looking for a new story line.
Sorry I called animal control about your children but I really think those tranquilizer darts did the trick.
Note to Self:
‘Try actually reading these once in a while.’
I had no idea being an adult would involve so many lotions.
That depressing moment you thought a hot chick was checking you out in the beer aisle but only to find out she was just a cardboard cutout.
[first day as a pilot]
This is your captain speaking, in the event of cabin failure, oxygen masks will drop from the ceiling and untangling them will annoy you before you die.
[sees annoying coworker at store]
Him: Hey, what’s new?
Me: [gets right up in his face] Stuart, EVERYTHING in here is new.
Fried chicken is unhealthy, especially for the chicken.
I’m awake.
Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.
I was so stupid whenever I was young. I’m much older now though
*Interrogation Room*
Detective: We know you took the teeth and the dental records.
….
Detective: Look, I’m just trying to do my job here.
Tooth Fairy: So am I!
I saw the most beautiful woman at the store today so of course I did the sensible thing and imagined what our whole life would be like if we fell in love and then I never spoke to her.
My neighbor is louder than a spinning dryer drum full of loose change on a groaning container ship being ripped apart by rogue waves.
I had a dream I killed someone, and all I did was panic about being caught…and cry.
Now I know I’d be a terrible murderer.
*does quarter behind the ear trick, but with orange marmalade*
The few days after Halloween are the best. Everything’s on sale. I’ve already eaten 11 costumes
Got CPR and CCR confused. Ended up playing “Fortunate Son” on my boombox while watching a man die.
Kid at the park just told me it’s her birthday today. I asked her how old she is and she said five and a half. Story absolutely crumbling
Me *disposes off all containers, sprays car freshener, gargles with lemonade*
My kid (5 mins later, entering the car): You went to MacDonalds without me?????