*wrapping up business meeting with Kellogg’s*
Kellogg’s Exec: Great work. You’ve given us so many new ideas for cereals. We’ll totally pay you for this.
Me: No you won’t. I know all your…Trix.
Kellogg’s Exec: That’s General Mills.
Me: Leave the military out of this.
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(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
WhyDid
You
Unfollow
Me?
I mean, I’m smart, but I’m no Alfred Einstein.
[On a Ferris wheel]
Him *kisses her* this is so perfect!
Her *kisses him back* and so romantic!
Me: It’s weird these things have 3 seats
Climate: Hey
Me: You’ve changed
Call me crazy, but the last person who did is still in a full body cast, so it’s up to you.
*two turtles strapping themselves to a sleeping cheetah*
Just you wait, Carl! This is gonna be awesome!
To all the men out there without ponytails: What are you afraid of? SUCCESS???
this is ur captain. sory for descending thru another cloud but ralph told me it was posible to land on one of these things so we keep trying
Me: Forgive me father I have sinned
Priest: Get out of my house
M: But it’s a big sin
P: *sigh* Speak child
M: I broke into your house
Some days having kids makes it all worthwhile. I haven’t experienced any yet, but statistically they’re bound to happen at some point.
Me to my dog: Stop barking now.
My dog: BUT EVERYTHING IS A FOX!
Me: It’s ok.
Dog: I WILL PROTECT YOU, IDIOT!
*Showing me a picture of your baby*
Me: Is that a dog toy in the background? What kind of dog do you have? What’s your dog’s name?
High School Reunions are bullshit. Why would I pay money to see people I’ve been deliberately avoiding for the past 20 years
If you like someone set them free if they comeback it means nobody liked them set them free again.
my youngest started kindergarten today and I cried but mostly for his teachers
if three separate women were faking covid test results in order not to date me, i would simply not tell that fact to the new york times
“That’s horrible ! I’m never getting married !”
– My 9yo, after I told her my wife and I no longer surprise each other with gifts, we just tell each other what we want
Stop having all the sex, what if we run out
grateful there’s a whole airline for virgins . i do NOT want them on my flight
If stores want to accurately display clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be laying on a couch after 5PM.
True embarrassment lies within your first email address
SERIAL KILLER: prepare to die
ME: thanks, you too
Me: fills tub with blood of virgins to keep my youthful glow
Also me: ruins everything by absentmindedly tossing in a bath bomb
INVENTOR OF GLUE: I bet if we melt that horse we could use it to stick stuff to other stuff.
TIM: Dude…is everything okay at home?
Married people be like:
[Quarantine, day 3]
It’s been 89 days since I last had sex
Pals I’m DYING I just met a lady at the market with a corgi and apparently she tells all the tourists that it’s one of the queens dogs because Andrew was too busy to keep them all so she’s got like a queue of tourists taking photos with her dog this is *hilarious*
[zombies banging on the door]
her: they’re here
me: god, I thought you said 8 oclock I haven’t even got the wine chilled
sex work? uh yeah, I sure hope it does
Took my 6 y/o daughter to a college football game and my dream of turning her into a fan quickly faded when she asked to go home in the first quarter because “we just watched this game on TV last week.”
KANGAROO(tasting beer) *sips* This is too hoppy for me
[BrewMaster] I thought youd love “hoppy” beer lol
[Kangaroo] (sternly) That’s racist