Marital Status: My husband is mad at me because I cheered for the wrong college football team.
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I think my neighbor just noticed that I was wearing a pair of shoes he put into his trash last week.
There’s a lot I don’t know about Christianity
DOCTOR: This man needs blood!
DRACULA: And this man needs soup!
WAITER: Why do you two order like this?
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting out of a bean bag chair.
Sharon, call the vet
Soccer moms drinking from sports bottles. You’re not fooling anyone, we know you have wine in there and you should share.
COP: Is this man bothering you, Sir?
ME: that’s my wife
My husband lost a bet and has to wash the dishes for a month, and I just got a credit card alert that someone just spent $200 at Costco.
If that man walks in the door with $200 of paper goods, I’m making it 2 months.
A parade of slow walkers meander behind my car as I’m trying to pull out of the parking space.
Don’t you hate noticing that an office memo says it’s for discussion purposes only and you have to unfold your paper airplane?
“I’m going to lay right here in the doorway and give people a dumb look as they trip over me.”- Damned dog…. Could’ve been me though.
After learning about hieroglyphics, it makes you realize that Egyptians invented the emoji.
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
My kitchen now has a lake– me trying to fill up my ice trays
My parents, 2017:
“Put down your phone and hang out with your kids.”My parents, 1989:
“Shhh, not now, we’re watching TV.”
Dinosaurs, consider yourselves avenged
When I ask, “Is it genetic?” What I’m really asking is, “Can I blame my ancestors?”
Told my kid in my day, if I missed an episode of a show, might have wait years to see it again
He looked at me like I’d just showed him prison tattoos
Just once I’d like to meet a person whose job is to make captchas so I can slap him in the face for making my life difficult.
Seeing my kids getting along, laughing, and peacefully playing together is the best fourteen seconds of my day.
Bluetick account 1: [says some incredibly offensive shit completely unprovoked]
Bluetick 2: wow your mentions are a real sewer 😳
Bluetick 1: I know 😂 that’s just Twitter though isn’t it 🙄
Bluetick 2: so true! Sending love❤️
Bluetick 1: ❤️
once, at a girl scout event in the early 90s, my mom asked a girl what she wanted to be when she grew up & the girl responded “either a chef or a spy, so either way, i’m going to the CIA,” and it’s been 30 years and that’s still one of the best jokes i’ve ever heard in my life.
How do you tell someone you’re the one I want without sounding too much like John Travoltra in Grease.
Salem during the 1600’s was great. If your woman pissed you off, you just tell people she’s a witch and they kill the bitch. For free.
Being a parent means throwing your kids under a bus for how messy your house is when company arrives
Stickiest things in the world:
3) Lollipops
2) Glue
1) Children’s library books
I need to stay off WebMD. Every time I look something up, I’m like, “Oh look. I’m dead already.”
I thought about giving up my sexual innuendo tweets but it’s too hard.
Interviewer: says here you’re a sniper
Me [opening gun case]: affirmative
Interviewer: is that a Supersoaker with a Pringles can taped to it