There was a piece of chocolate cake in the fridge and a note “Don’t eat me”.Now there’s an empty plate and a note “Don’t tell me what to do”
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Of all the things I could be called, on the phone is my least favourite.
I’m a Twitter guy who is married to a Facebook girl, so I don’t understand how people of differing religions can’t get along.
I can’t believe I live in a world where our only defense against a blizzard is buying extra milk.
HER: You can’t even go 5 minutes without making a Star Trek reference.
ME: Yes I Khan.
mary: my water broke
joseph: why do I smell grapes
[Paranormal Investigator shows up at Disney World]
Ok, show me this so-called “haunted mansion”
wife’s facebook post: so proud of 8, he’s trying so hard in school! mama loves you!
wife’s text to me: he failed gym. gym!! i need a drink
I haven’t worn corduroys since the great chafing incident in 92.
I’ve never been introduced before entering a room unless you count “Shh, here she comes!”
Me: I haven’t spoken to my mom in years. I do love her though.
Therapist: She isn’t going to live forever. You should call and tell her.
Me: You’re right…*dials number*
Mom, you’re going to die *hangs up*
ISAAC NEWTON: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at his feet* i have just discovered gravity
ME: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at my feet* i have just discovered fruit by the foot
Interviewer: strengths?
Me: I’m sociable and can pretend to get along with most people….
Interviewer: er, ….. yes ok, right, moving on! Weaknesses?
Me: erm….*thinking furiously*…. bladder??
I could finish folding this laundry much faster if the cat would stop “helping”!
“A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step” but so does the one from the living room to the kitchen for snacks and it’s a lot less tiring.
*flagging down passing pizza delivery vehicle*
I’LL PAY YOU TWICE WHAT THEY WERE GOING TO PAY YOU
Diets are for people who can’t afford to buy bigger clothes.
All of these people are screaming like they’ve never seen someone revving a chainsaw on a public beach.
Me: *braids girl’s hair*
Girl: *turns around, terrified*
Me: The movie was boring me…
*leans back in seat*
*eats popcorn*
I miss when rubber gloves meant you were a serial killer and not a germaphobe.
just learned that all of the “You’re the best!” texts my dad sends me are one of three quick reply options in his Toyota Rav4
Pretending to fall asleep on the train so the conductor picks me up and carries me to bed
Just how much toothpaste is IN this tube? Let’s squeeze it all out and see!
– Toddlers
Remember back in the day when your TV wouldn’t work so you’d bang it a few times? I tried that with my dishwasher and she ended up pregnant.
I don’t need extravagant gifts for Valentine’s Day.
The only gift I need is for someone to come over & do my laundry.
I only have eyes for you. I got them from the morgue. I’ll probably get arrested.
If you don’t know what stage your relationship is in, I’d recommend not sitting in the front row of a comedy show
I have a work dinner tomorrow night and a comedy awards night after. I don’t want the comedians to think I dressed up for them so I’m stuffing sweatpants in my handbag
Men and women CAN be just friends. But only if one of them is ugly.
[At the Grand Canyon]
Me:
I L o v e T h i s P l a c e
[ECHO]
[ECHO]
GC: Let’s just be friends
Reality called, I hung up. Not today Satan