“Ok, what chemical symbol should we give this Gold?”
*thief runs by, steals gold*
“Hey! You!”
Au, got it. Next element.
You Might Also Like
This whole year with my family has given me whatever the opposite of Stockholm Syndrome is.
Me: Raising a family is hard.
Necromancer: Not if they’re buried close together.
Me: What?
Necromancer: What?
I want to see Taylor Swift and Rupi Kaur fight each other.
Anyone: You go girl!
Me: Omg, ok. Yes. Finally. *walks away*
I wear a ski mask to bed so if there’s a home invasion the intruder will think I’m part of the team.
If I were a doctor I would become assassinated by the insurance industry after publicly evincing the curative properties of a hot dog and a soda
Me: Boss our sales are really going updog.
Boss: You mean up?
Me: No, updog.
Boss: What’s updog?
Me: Not our sales. We’re bankrupt.
“So, why do you want to be a veterinarian?”
[pictures an army of cyborg dogs with laser eyes and jet packs]
…I love to help animals.
Let us pray for my Facebook friend who not only has a headache, but her bus is running a bit late too.
When I die, before I’m cremated, fill me with popcorn kernels for one last laugh.
Me watching my husband quietly close the dishwasher after taking just one clean dish out
GF: “You’re cute when you’re drunk”
Me: “You’re cute when I’m drunk too”
[Origins…]
BRUCE WAYNE: Did you make all the “Badman” equipment like I told you…the Badmobile, the Badcopter etc?
ALFRED: Yeah…wait, what?
Not to victim blame but if cat no want be held like baby then why baby sized
Me: *enters Manager’s office wearing a pheasant face mask*
Manager: *sighs* “You know full well what I meant when I said that you needed your game face on for the meeting today”
looking for a new pillow and came across these ones that look like you just opened your own head that was shipped to you in protective styrofoam
3 weeks ago: I can’t get plastic bags for my groceries?!?!! 😠
Today: I can’t get groceries. 😑
Caveman: I have discovered fire
Village: yayyyyy
Caveman: it’s burning all our stuff
Village: booooo
Cat scientists are hard at work trying to solve the mystery of why humans usually walk across an entire room without abruptly deciding to lie on the floor.
I’m sorry I stabbed all your tires, but in my defense you flirted with me and then said you were just kidding.
I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge
Dear guy lighting bottle rocket fuses with a cigarette that’s still in your mouth,
You’re going as a pirate for Halloween.
i love when dog owners are like “our dog is very food-motivated!” like yeah. it’s a dog
PayPal: For when your wallet is all the way on the other side of the room.
AMERICA:
Here in the UK
we refer to Jay Z as “Jay Zed”
Ice T as “Ice Ted”
And LL Cool J as “Led Led Cool Jed”
I know blood in horror movies is just corn syrup, but it’s still terrifying because at this point, that’s basically all my blood is
FRIEND 1: wanna see a pic of my cat
ME: yes!
FRIEND 2: wanna see a pic of my bird
ME: yes!
FRIEND 3: wanna see a pic of my dog
ME: omg yes!
FRIEND 4: wanna see a pic of my baby
ME: ugh fine
We were watching a reality show with really annoying people and I said they made me wanna puke and my husband said he wanted to torch the TV and my 13yo was like “just let them be happy” and I don’t know how we raised a child who doesn’t know how to hate watch something properly.
I’m married, but not “pass up the opportunity to sleep with Thor” married. Or Wolverine. Or Captain America. Or Jennifer Aniston…
A “Purge” comedy where two pals accidentally kill someone a week before the purge and try to fake the person’s life until the murder would be legal.