“Oh, no. No, no, no. Are you kidding me?” -First thing I would say if someone raised me from the dead
You Might Also Like
COWORKER: Hi, this is embarrassing. *whispers* can I borrow a tampon?
ME: Sure, just leave it on my desk when you’re done.
I hate when fire trucks drive real slow with the siren on. There’s one behind me right now. So annoying.
me: I don’t like other people’s kids
them: how old are yours?
me: I don’t have any
[someone attempts to speak to me]
ME: *to self, but at a completely audible volume* okay, remember your training
Why spend thousands on college when you can just walk into a dense fog and re-emerge years later with glowing eyes and an unfathomable growth in human intelligence?
Him: What’s your sign?
Me: Dollar
Ladies and gentlemen, cats…😑
Explaining Jewish things to non-Jewish people makes you sound like you’re losing your mind. My little brother is getting married soon & had his “aufruf” & I repeated the word six times before being asked by my friend if I was barking at them.
It’s true. Losing one sense enhances others.
For example, you lost your sense of humor but your sense of entitlement is through the roof.
coach: what are you doing???
me: you said do 50 singles
coach: singles means jump rope, not 50 tacos
me, mouth full of tacos: wull ith’s too late now brad!
For cardio, I attempt to swallow vitamins, while holding a cup of piping hot coffee.
God: you’re a mosquito.
Mosquito: what does that mean?
God: you feed on blood.
Mosquito: i’m a vampire?
God: no.
Mosquito: oh.
God: you can fly.
Mosquito: i’m a vampire!
God: no.
Mosquito: oh.
God: garlic repels you.
Mosquito: [happy gasp] i’m an itty-bitty vampire!
Best way to find out if you have any cuts on your hands is to make some lemonade.
lil red riding hood: the Internet told me there are two wolves inside of you
granny: *sweating* haha what I don’t even have one haha who reads things on the Internet
It’s not fair how teenagers today can avoid social interaction with family by staring at their phones
I had to show my contempt by grunting
Me on FB: All kids home for summer break! My heart is full!
Reality: STOP ARGUING! GO GET A JOB! DO YOUR OWN LAUNDRY! WHO TOOK MY PHONE CHARGER?
Getting caught doing nothing is NOT an option
If one more teenager uses the term ‘Back in the day’…I swear I’m gonna smack them with a floppy disk and choke them with my legwarmers.
*stands next to ATM and cheers every time someone wins money*
April showers? Big whoop, so do I.
I told my doctor that my back was bothering me. He said, “Get a bar & hang”.
Now I’m hanging out in a bar & I admit, my back feels better.
Have you spent any of your daylight savings yet?
I’m Puerto Rican, but not “carries a knife in my purse everywhere I go” Puerto Rican.
Sometimes it’s in my bra.
Applicant: I pride myself on my honesty, integrity, and being a decent human being.
Car sales manager: I’m sorry but you’re over qualified
Student:Why do we need to know this?
Me: To look smart for your friends.
Student:What if I don’t want to look smart?
Me: You’re doing great.
I was told my $750 iPhone would improve the quality of my phone calls, but my family keeps calling telling me the same shit.
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come these firefighters are rescuing me from the top of this tree?
They say the camera adds 10 lbs.
Looks like fast food added the other 40.
WIFE: you can’t just deep-fry everything
ME: what do you mean?
WIFE: I mean put down the cat