I’m always Beware #MakesMeCautious
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My boyfriend doesn’t like when I give our neighbors nicknames like, “Beard Man” “Jolly Girl” and “the one I slept with in 2009.”
A story that ends with a corpse on the floor is a tragedy. A story that begins with a corpse on the floor is a mystery. A story that begins with a floor on a corpse is The Wizard of Oz.
Give it to me straight
“I’d really like to have sex with you-”
Now give it to me gay
“-r boyfriend.”
Whoever said imitation is the sincerest form of flattery hasn’t had a 7yo mimicking their every word for the last 10 minutes.
me: did you even eat lunch today?
10: yea
me: what’d you have?
10: i haaaaad cheezits, ice cream and a rice crispy treat
me: your mom is gonna kill me.
I have an eating disorder. I’m about to eat dis order of pizza, dis order of fries and dis order of nuggets.
[Arriving late to work]
Boss: *looks at watch* fourth day this week
Me: also known as Thursday, Jerry
TIME TRAVELLER: No
WAITER: You guys ok? Do you need anything?
It’s called a “Monte Cristo” sandwich because one day it will return disguised as another sandwich & seek its revenge
Me: You’re adopted
Ted: What? How long have I been a dop
I interviewed 300 high achievers about their morning routine, and you will never believe, they all have inherited family wealth.
If you’re having second thoughts….
you’re ahead of most people.
Ignoring your text is easy. It’s having to park my car 8 blocks away so you think I’m not home when you drive by that’s awkward.
Look out. The Guest Who Wants to Help in the Kitchen has arrived. She is me and she does nothing well.
HER: [flirting] I bet you have a lot of skeletons in your closet.
ME: Haha no. Those bodies won’t show their skeletons for months.
Star Wars spoiler: Ross and Rachel end up together in the end.
I want to make some strangers on the internet unreasonably mad today, but first I need to put my cast iron skillet in the dishwasher
People who complain about parties must not like free food.
I have a friend who’s band is playing this weekend. He said the doors open at 7 but I’m pretty sure Jim Morrison is dead.
What’s a retweet called now?
I vote Xerox.
I had to rescue my phyllo pastry ski mask from a volcano yet again. That’s right, my baklava balaclava was back in lava.
The /r/ubiquiti subreddit has been going back and forth the last few days on who can make the shortest ethernet cable and it’s been seriously cracking me up.
fat and greedy, my favorite type of animal
Murderer: If you correct my grammar once more, I’ll kill you
Me: But I couldn’t stop myself
Murderer: But you could of
Me: oh no
Didn’t realize how much I drank over the holiday. The Urgent Care doc wants to put my liver in a walking cast.
Got fired by Twitter. I was responsible for summoning demons to fulfill the prophecy. They said I wasn’t summoning fast enough
Noise-canceling headphones aren’t enough anymore. I need an emotion-canceling backpack. Existential dread-canceling cargo pants. A pair of shoes that makes me forget I exist.
The only drawback to having your groceries delivered is now an unknown number people know my cake habits.
Just the other day, I asked my mom at what age do children start really listening to their parents but I don’t remember what her answer was.
[Back at her place]
Date: talk dirty to me
Me: uhh…dust is basically just flakes of dead skin
Date: Eww, wtf?
Me: I mean… uh, limescale can shorten the life your kettle