Me: sometimes when a door closes there’s a window that opens
Car Repair Man: yeah I’ll definitely take a look at that
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If people winked in real life as much as they do on the Internet, the world would be about 542.67% creepier.
THE CANADA GEESE ARE LEAVING.
AMERICA THEY YOUR PROBLEM NOW.
Spins a web.
Any size.
Catches thieves.
Just like flies.
He waits.
The thieves come.
The web is sticky. The more they struggle, the more entangled they become.
He cocoons them and drains their fluids. The rest will feed his young.
Look out.
Here comes the Spider-Man.
me: “im confused, run that by me again”
doctor: “you do not need to bring your cat to the hospital, that’s just what we call the machine”
everybody has a drawer in their home that contains both garbage and the most important documents a human can have
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”~History
if you knew my origin story, you’d stop asking what’s wrong with me, and start asking if i want crayons with my placemat.
Lol
Me: My golf distance is improving. You should see how far I can get my clubs down the fairway now.
Friend: Ball. You mean ball, right?
Me: No.
[first day working at a bakery]
Customer: can I get a-
Me (brushing crumbs from my mouth): we’re out
A guy just commented on how classy I am
So naturally I removed my finger from my nose so I could type, “Thank you!”
It’s easy to lie to people.
My phone was dead. I mailed it 2 weeks ago. Your baby is so cute.
Nephew just whispered something into a Cadbury Easter Bunny’s ears then broke off its head.
I’m sleeping with the lights on.
Don’t be ridiculous, I would never use capitalization as a form of passive aggressive behavior karen.
Reporter: What went wrong in the Challenger launch?
NASA: have you ever built a space ship?
Reporter: well no bu-
NASA: it’s really hard
Why am I like this?
me at five am: should i sleep for two hours or stay up
me at now am: Did my coworker just say “email” or “bee jail”. what did the bee do
Dear women, when you’re not around we load the dishwasher properly.
Like when you make a mistake on your paper so you use wite-out but then it gets all chunky and busted and worse. That’s concealer in your 40s.
My loaf of bread looks terrified
Him: I have successfully bred the first bald porcupine
Me: How pointless
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘mnemonic’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Memory Needs Every Method Of Nurturing Its Capacity
Interviewer: Your resumé says your strength is confidence but your weakness is languages
Me: I think you’ll find it’s pronounced resume
good morning
officer: give me your name
me: then what am I going to use?
I hate when I’m on the treadmill and my hand accidentally hits the stop button & I have to get off and eat a bacon grilled cheese sandwich.
me, minding my own business as a vegan:
someone: oK bUt If YoU wErE sTrAnDeD oN a DeSeRtEd IsLaNd aNd YoU hAd tO eAt mEaT tO sUrViVe
If people who made meth called themselves methematicians it would probably be a more respected occupation.
Alligators can survive for 2-3 years without eating. My personal record is 16 minutes.
Imagine you get murdered and some girl skips your episode of forensic files because it’s boring.