Writers who become addicted to pseudonyms have to join Anonymous Anonymous.
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SCAM ALERT: if on Halloween someone leaves a large wooden horse outside your door, DO NOT bring it inside. it is a TRICK not a TREAT
My 4yo asked me for a ninja shaped pancake. I made her a circle because that’s all my pancake making skill level allows me to make. She was like, “umm… where’s the ninja??” So I told her that it’s so fast you can’t see it and she said “wow! Thanks mom!” Lmao
Everybody looks down on Pinterest until they need a good recipe for homemade organic edible panties.
*sees lawn gnome cartwheel into room*
*calls to renew prescription*
How can a cemetery raise its burial charges and blame it on the cost of living?
[gameshow]
me: [visibly doing maths on my fingers] “17”
host: [looks at me weird] “that’s wrong”
other contestant: “salmon?”
host: “correct”
i’m all for human rights and shit, but if you’re on a tour in a factory and decide to wander off, it should be legal for the floor workers to hunt you for sport
I have a job interview tomorrow via Zoom and I’m just crossing my fingers that they won’t make me stand up.
I’m gonna call my mom 26 times today to tell her about all the nothing that I’m doing, just to even the score.
Gravity is just the earth being really clingy
The only occasions in which I will run:
– Zombie apocalypse
– Salma Hayek is handing out all-you-can-eat baby back ribs
Imagine being The Sun and finding out there is an entire line of glasses devoted to thwarting your vibe
Him: He’s just not the sharpest tool in the shed.
Her: Nah! He’s more like a shed with absolutely no tools.
Seize the day. Repossess the evening. Impound last week. Forcibly confiscate the entire month of September.
Keeping an extra close eye on 7 since she said that The Grinch is good at everything after she watched him spin his head around
ME: I love you
HER:
ME: I said I love you
HER: sir, I can’t give you extra curly fries…please just pay for your order
The Royal Family is doing casting calls for blurry white women with brown hair.
Blurry girlies everywhere are like this is our time
I was in the grocery store when Vogue came on, and while nobody could keep up with my choreography, security did let me finish the routine.
Waking up with a hangover in your 20s
vs
Waking up with a hangover in your 40s
given that 14 was obsessed with garbage trucks as a toddler, you’d think he’d be better about throwing away his trash (more…)
If you love something, set it free
If you hate something, do origami
If you’re hungry, go watch a movie
I don’t understand how advice works
Next time you let someone here affect your real life, tell a stranger “I’m mad at some online person I’ve never met” then let them punch you
3-year-old: There’s a spider on the carpet!
Me: Haha, that’s just a piece of fuzz.
*fuzz moves*
Me: EVERYBODY OUT OF THE HOUSE!
No, Grandma; you can’t pull a Basic Instinct for extra potatoes at the retirement home.
An email so annoying, you wanna return the computer to the store.
No one girl should have all that power. 😂
Imagine if your anxiety and your metabolism swapped jobs
If A Book Store Never Runs Out Of A Certain Book, Dose That Mean That Nobody Reads It, Or Everybody Reads It
I was disappointed he didn’t mean the UK when he said he’d take me to pound town.
Am I the only one who gives people in my neighborhood names they don’t know they have? a.k.a. “Running Man”,”Mustang Bob”, “Blue truck dude”