Civil War only it’s half of your hair that is chill and the other half that wants to secede from your head.
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How many of you have awakened with your spouse holding your hand only to find they are putting your thumb on your iPhone trying to break in?
“Wow he’s good” -possum at the morgue
What the hell, Everyman Cinemas? I booked the last available seat for Tetris The Movie and the whole row disappeared.
Me screaming at the pollen on my walk before work this morning
Captain America: ok Avengers, we can defeat Ultron if we work as a team. Remember, no man is an island
Island Man: oh come on not this again
For the record when you are “freezing” I never need to feel your ice cold hands, I believe you
Adulthood is almost as fun as a piñata full of wasps
“Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs” could also describe every menu item at Olive Garden.
Forgot to mute myself on a Zoom call while my kids were home and my boss gave me three extra weeks of vacation.
UPDATE: My wife’s resolution to yell at the kids less has just taken a very bad turn.
MOBSTER: *cracks knuckles*
ME: that supposed to intimidate me?
*his fingers start to glow like glowsticks*
ME: k I’m scared but thats rad
Call me a traditionalist, but I prefer my cranberry in its natural state, in the shape a of a can of dog food.
I’d say at least 10% of parenting is smelling stuff.
Django and Bjork, sitting in a tree, j-j-j-j-j-j-j.
i once worked with someone who told customers “sorry, it’s my first day!” any time they messed up. for 2 years straight
YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME
[writers’ room for Silent Night]
MIKE: ok so the next line is about describing baby jesus. how would we describe a baby?
JIM [known cannibal]: so tender and mild
MIKE:…….jesus christ jim
I saw a car with a flat tire so I offered to help. She tells me to hurry cause she has a hair appoinment..This is how serial killers r born
Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when my mother-in-law wasn’t getting to the point.
[first date]
Her: I love your scent, what is it?
Me: desperation.
Of course, I’m an active listener. I walk away briskly every time you open your mouth.
Spreads legs… Nope
Spreads two other legs …. Nope
Spreads two others …. Dammit, no
Spreads last two…. BINGO!!
– spider sex
anti-tattoo people saying “my body’s a temple” like they wouldn’t worship at a temple that had an enormous mural of a tiger fighting a cobra
PSA: Calories don’t count today because February 29 doesn’t really exist.
reading Agatha Christie has ruined me for all other books. there are no murders in the first chapter? a child isn’t offed at a Hallowe’en party? nobody falls in love on a train? rewrite this please
Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near? It’s because you are feeding them bread Karen.
Facebook: Look at my perfect life
Instagram: Validate me harder
Twitter: Does this look infected?
I secretly hope that twitter keeps extending the character limit as a social experiment, slowly conditioning our attention spans until we’re able to read actual books again
I’d love to put a timer on how long it takes you to turn the conversation back to you but my stopwatch app doesn’t do tenths of a second.
Every day of school:
Me: WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP
Kids:
Me: WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP5 AM, every weekend:
Kids [standing by my bed]: We’re bored.