I’d pay someone to push me out of pictures when I’m drunk.
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[first date]
Him: I used to have a lazy eye but I had corrective surgery.
Me [trying to impress]: My entire body’s lazy.
People are always impressed to find out that I got my PhD at 17 but anything is possible if you work hard enough and lie.
He: “Darling, may I have potato pasta for dinner, please?”
She: “Gnocchi dokey.”
#PotatoDay #RubbishJokes
Saw Interstellar over the weekend & was totally glued to my seat. The movie was OK but the getting-glued-to-my-seat thing ruined it for me.
Payday: BUY ALL THE THINGS!!
Day Before Payday: I would like to pay for this taco in pennies.
therapist: so what’s the problem?
me: i have crippling self-doubt
therapist: are you sure?
me: …
therapist: …
me: no
BULLY: lol as if you’ve got a date for prom
ME: uh yes, actually, I have
BULLY: Damn
ME *confidently smooths down shirt* It’s May 23rd. I’ll be going alone
I have so many questions.
Adhd brain is amusing.
I know I need to make a list, but I fight making a list, and then I go to the store and completely neglect everything I need and come home with a donkey.
getting off the floor: the extreme sport of middle age
I know I’m getting older because I need more and more help from my teen to complete the People magazine crossword puzzle.
Sorry I called you “sexy” and didn’t really mean it, but I was hungry and you were a mirage of pizza.
do u think karl marx was a marxist bc of his last name or was it just a coincidence
Everyone at my funeral gets a stun gun. The last person standing gets all my stuff.
Don’t make my same mistake. See the signs. Make a change.
Damn boy, is your name Dulcolax because you irritate the shit out of me.
2019 stress ball: ●
2020 stress ball: |
INTERVIEWER: And you know how to operate a forklift?
ME: Yah, that’s how I eat pal
Thank god my mom keeps forwarding emails on how best to clean and what foods to stock during the pandemic. I haven’t eaten or bathed since I left her house 19 years ago.
Not to brag but my wife and I can hold complete conversations by rage loading the dishwasher
I just sneezed into my elbow and now I’m waiting for a preschool teacher to praise me
Who needs to watch the #SOTU when I can just read my TL? Here’s what I’ve learned so far: John Boehner is still orange.
Dragged myself to the fridge because I promised myself I’d be productive tonight and god knows the ice cream isn’t gonna eat itself
[months ago]
Me: I wish for one episode to be so dark no one can see it, one episode to include an infamous coffee cup debacle, and the series to end with Tony Soprano sitting on the Iron Throne.
Genie: And now we wait.
Her : I like you
Me : You’re mistaken
No idea who she is but I want her to know I’m a huge fan and supporter of her work ✨
They’re called werewolves.
Me, as a parent, ordering at the drive through after a family road trip: Hi. I’ll take 2 Happy Meals, a medium fry and a vasectomy please.
Girl: I want bangs
Me: I want a stylist to get my hair as close to antlers as possible. Make me look like a young prince of the wooded glen
Nephew: omg look at how thick your ipad is.
Me: That’s a book.