Caught my kid wiping their boogers on the couch which is gross because I don’t want our boogers mixing.
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Years ago I tried on my sister’s bra, couldn’t undo the clasp & was too embarrassed to ask for help. I’m still wearing it. I live in shame.
Job requirements these days be like:
Looking to hire a caterpillar. Must have ten years experience as a butterfly.
Genetics dictate that if two people who refuse to talk before coffee have children, their children will carry the before coffee chatty gene
Who chose this font
My wife complains that she has a big ass, I just wish she would stop pointing at me when she says it.
Is there a button for “please show me more ads like this”???
Me: *holding my dog* it’s his 3rd birthday so technically he’s 21
Bouncer: Still no
a fun game to play with a chiropractor is to go completely limp after they pop your neck just to see what they do
I like how the use of the passive implies William Shatner has no say in the matter
*my wife catches me in bed looking at an optical illusions book* HONEY, NO IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE
Hell hath no fury like an old lady scolding you for going in the wrong direction down a one-way aisle at the grocery store.
[at the cheesecake factory]
me: I will have the cheesecake
waiter: okay
Ever talk to someone so stupid they make you squint?
When you kidnap a writer.
Him at 1am: Wanna come over?
Me: Sure thing, sexy
-Cut to me crawling out of his TV like that girl in The Ring
Unknown people: you aren’t weird you are just being yourself
My gang: bro I know 5 weird people and you are 4 of them
I don’t even like sleep, it’s just the only way I can eat spiders
For lunch today, I think I will have a blistering hot bowl of ice cold soup. Thanks microwave.
“Good luck tomorrow.”
* Me confusing a random stranger *
The mid 90s teen aesthetic is making a comeback and I’m here for it- as a 40 year old who’s never actually outgrown the phase
POLICE: POLICE! OPEN UP!
ME: My parents never loved me.
POLICE: NOT EMOTIONALLY! OPEN THE DOOR!
ME: That makes way more sense.
Good news, you survived the horrific car crash. Sadly we couldn’t find the other guy’s arms but we managed to reattach all four of yours
Keep things interesting by delicately sneaking ice cubes into your friends’ pockets
Reporter: How do you feel that your proposal was turned down by Congress?
Obama: Well, I’ve alw–
Biden: [grabs mic] TURNED DOWN FOR WHAT?
Did you ask her out?
Yes.
And?
She only dates guys named Matt.
Cause she likes to walk all over them?
No, tattoo she can’t afford to remove.
One of the benefits of eating healthier is that you never have to ask questions like, “Who ate my kale?”
[bedtime]
me: babe we forgot to lock the door
him: not it
murderer under the bed: not it
me: fine I’ve got it
wife: “you promised you wouldnt buy anything stupid with our lottery winnings”
me: [covering penguin’s ears] “he can hear you linda”
the collective noun for a group of reply guys is an audacity
I like to send little notes in my kid’s lunchbox, like “Sorry the Wheat Thins are stale, that’s what happens when you leave the box open.”