Fears: dying alone, getting horribly maimed or disfigured, people who stick their tongue out in photos
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Hey girl, you smell like you’re going to give me the wrong number.
(Speaking to 7 year old)
Lying is wrong. Now go tell them you’re 6 so we can board the flight early.
MOCKINGBIRD: Blah blah blah! Harper Lee is an idiot!
HARPER LEE: I just had a great idea for a book.
I was going to clean my house but decided to stop inviting people over instead
I don’t mean to brag but I’m one of the reasons they installed emergency stop clips on gym treadmills
[road trip]
DAUGHTER: I have to use the bathroom.
ME: *pulls into rest stop*
DAUGHTER: Thanks.
ME: Make sure you’re back in 5 minutes.
DAUGHTER: I will.
ME: We accidentally left your brother behind once.
DAUGHTER: I don’t have a brother.
ME: Exactly.
The easiest way to tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile is to say goodbye and see how it responds.
4th of July Pro Tip: If you’re looking for quality, never buy fireworks from a guy with more than seven fingers.
Look, I’m sorry about your leg but this note from my doctor clearly states that this is an emotional support wolverine.
No one is more productive than a guy who’s been laying on the couch for two hours and suddenly realizes his wife will be home in 5 minutes.
Describing dead people as late feels unfair. Rigor mortis makes it difficult to be on time.
Certain people have been making very hurtful remarks about my choosing to wear mittens rather than gloves
But I don’t like to point fingers
I asked my neighbor to watch my dog for a couple of nights, as my neighbor’s a private detective & I think my dog might be having an affair.
Waiter: here’s your milksha-
James Bond: grrrrrrr
Waiter: -stirred your milkstirred
i like my men the same way i like my coffee; steadily getting cooler, as i inevitably forget they’re sitting next to me.
Waiter: would you like a little quiche before your main sir?
Me: ok, but no tongue
Uber Eats: Imagine this $15 burger.
Me: Damn, that looks delicious.
Uber Eats: now, imagine it being $35…
hypnotist: next time you smoke, youll taste something disgusting
me: disgusting as in gross or as in morally wrong
hypnotist: idk whatever
[later]
me: *spitting out cigarette* insulin costs HOW much
her: what are you, like, six feet?
me: *muffled foot noises*
More foods should have boats, why should gravy have all the fun?
What in Willy Wonka Hillbilly Hell is this??
Them: But, if you’re both dudes, who’s “the lady” in your relationship?
Me: Janet Jackson. Always.
I drive an extra five miles on my way home from work so I can access my mailbox from the drivers side.
Go to a doctor?
When there’s all this free advice on the internet?
[security patting down mouse]
“Any cheese on your person, sir?”
[waves another mouse over them like a metal detector wand]
“He’s clean.”
Well well well…if it isn’t the clothes I left in dryer last Sunday.
This lasagna recipe has been handed down in my family for generations in the hopes that someone would eventually make it.
If cartoons are a reliable guide, the secret to never ageing is wearing the same clothes every day.
Of all the horrible ways to die I think healthy eating sounds the most painful.
ME: Whats the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled?
WIFE: Cooler
ME: *lights cigarette and runs my fingers through my hair* What’s the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled, babe?