Me: It’s not what you said, it’s the way you said it!
Husband: *Doesn’t even realize we had a conversation*
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I yelled at my wife “Your skirt is way too short”
She replied, “That’s because it’s made for a woman. Now take it off & give it to me”
what is your skin care routine? mine is mac n cheese
Like dad use to say, if it ain’t broke, obviously my kid hasn’t touched it yet.
Good times!
Me: Would you tell a friend or co-worker if they have bad breath?
Wife: Of course
M: Even tho it’ll upset them?
W: Yes, must be cruel to be kind
M: *handing over mouthwash* You’ll be needing this, then
W: I despise you
Baby, tonight let’s put the kids to bed, pour some wine, turn the lights down low & argue over whose turn it is to move the Elf on the Shelf
Sorry I said “What is it?” when you showed me your baby.
[skywriting]
Karen, do you have the checkbook? The skywriting guy won’t let me out of the plane until he gets his deposit.
Me, mouthful of cicadas: WHAT?!
My husband called and said he wants tacos for dinner. We’ve been together for 30 years and I still can’t tell whether or not it’s a euphemism.
I am extremely flexible & can lift my legs up while balancing in strange positions
Ooh yeah fellas, I can flush a public toilet w/out hands
Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.
Genie: 1st wish
ME: I wish for a pen
G: #2
M: another pen
G: wtf
M: I already lost the 1st pen
G: and ur 3rd
M: ur not going to believe this
Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers
My wife and I asked my son who he loves most. He pointed all around. I said he had to choose, then he told us he was pointing at the wifi.
A psychologist on a podcast I listen to just said “if you want to be less anxious you need to worry less” so thank god he spent $80k on his PhD because this is absolute gold
Just got my test results back and my cholesterol level is a cheese bratwurst.
Yea girl, he’s your soulmate. And her soulmate, and her soulmate, and….ya know.
I am thinking of watching a movie with my boyfriend. Can anyone recommend a good boyfriend?
I’m no political expert, but as far as I can tell the Republican strategy seems to be:
“oh you think BUSH was terrible?”
Spanish people feed their horses hay, but the naughty ones get George.
I just got kicked out of a secret cooking society.
I spilled the beans.
If a woman asks you to guess her age, always subtract 10 years from your estimate. IMPORTANT: Do NOT do this if she’s in her early twenties.
My favorite part of the date is when I tell her that I want her to have my kids. And then I give them to her, all 3 of them.
Fitness coach: have you been exercising & doing push-ups?
*Flashback to me running after the ice cream man & buying all the push-ups* “yes”
I gained three pounds last weekend and I’m fairly certain the switch to daylight saving time has something to do with it.
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused exercise bike from 1987.