me: my dog won’t stop laughing at me
vet: this is a hyena
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Humans become vets but animals never become doctors. How about returning the favour for once? We spend five years training to keep animals healthy. Most animals can’t even be bothered to live that long.
Me: “Excuse me, hi”
Her: “Um, I have a boyfriend”
Me: “Good for you. I was trying to say your herpes cream fell out of your purse”
Why is my kid asking me to play go fish like I didn’t birth her a twin and a brother for this exact reason?
Cats always land on their feet & bread always lands butter down, but spread butter on the cat’s back & everyone wonders why you’re naked.
I keep a knife in my Bible so if someone wants to kill me, I ask to read it & when I get to the 6th Commandment, I stab them in the face.
Somebody asked me if I could go back in time if I would kill baby Hitler. Hold up. Hitler was a baby? This shit just keeps getting crazier
I can still fit into the locker I was shoved into in high school.
I’m extremely good at being so close to getting a prediction right.
I’m like an Almostradamus.
A third zebra strolls casually while whistling and pretending to read a newspaper onto Noah’s ark.
Sorry I called your baby ugly
I should have just gave the more socially acceptable “Aww.. looks just like you!”
Me: Goodnight Moon
Moon: Well hi there. I can’t hear you because I’m 240,000 miles away and sound doesn’t travel in space. Die in a fire.
Guacamole is my favorite food that looks like someone already ate it.
I told my husband no less than thrice not to get red delicious apples because they are not, in fact, delicious, so you all know what he came home with
Comets are just rocks that are like really really mad at you.
That depressing moment when you thought a hot chick was checking you out in the beer aisle but only to find out she was just a cardboard cutout.
The first time I ever had sushi some of the avocado fell out and as I was talking I mistook the chunk of wasabi for it.
This pretty much sums up my life choices.
Everyone: We’re concerned about you.
Me: *snorting crushed up smarties off the back of a public toilet* why tho?
I’m so proud of myself. I went to Costco hungry and only spent $17,000.
Working from home really jumps up a level when your boss texts you to ask if you saw her email yet, and you’re at TJ Maxx trying on jeans.
“my 7th grader is reading at a 9th grade level” ok big deal, my doctor told me my body is aging at a 73 year old level.
Wow, you forget to buy beer a few days in a row and suddenly your husband is offering to do the grocery shopping, my plan is working, guys.
When I first met my husband I knew I’d see him again because I stole his watch.
My diet this week consisted of 6 cheat days
“You’re not pretty enough. Now pay us $3.99 so we can tell you why.” – Magazines
i’ve always loved the phrase “when i wore a younger man’s clothes” from piano man. it’s such a poetic way of saying he stole a guy’s clothes
Someone in the office keeps making decaf coffee & I’ve narrowed it down to that guy who never gets anything done.
BREAKING: Popeye Expresses Outrage as Pope Goes to Mount Olive
Forgot your password?
Hint: your cat’s name~ a crazy cat lady’s worst nightmare
I just want the confidence of my grandpa in church taking a call from the pharmacy on speaker phone to confirm his Viagra prescription.