I still use the word “dude”.
I don’t give a dude.
I don’t use it right, but I still dude it.
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i hate eating outside, flies looking at you from a distance rubbing their hands together like ‘i’m gonna get me some, as soon as you’re not paying attention’
advocating for yourself is so awkward. i wish more professions had agents. i just want a little hype man to meet with my boss and say things like “my client deserves more pay” and “my client is really good at his job” and “i love my client so much does he look taller?”
I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea ever.
I’m a new werewolf and I have questions
-where am I going
-do I have to stay up all night I like to go to sleep at 9pm
-is howling at the moon necessary I have sensitive vocal chords
-do i really have to hunt & kill things I have a gluten allergy can I just go to Whole Foods
My kid, 6: What’s the biggest structure a civil engineer has made?
Also my kid: Which way does the L go?
My dad, a beekeeper, and my mum, an aviarist: we need to talk
Me: what about
I hate when I’m running on the treadmill for half an hour and look down to see it’s been 4 minutes.
Me: There are plenty of ways to skin a cat
Cat (pulls out switchblade): Oh, you wanna dance, tweet boy? C’mon – bring it!
Gonna bring a notepad and a fancy pen to my next therapy session cause yessiree two can play that game.
I’m uncomfortable sharing my feelings with you but completely comfortable standing next to a complete stranger while urinating.
Guys.
Middle children as adults still trying to get attention because the oldest is being dramatic and the younger child is getting away with everything.
The Bible is so unrealistic, Noah’s wife would have never allowed two spiders on that boat.
“I didn’t choose the thug life.” I explain, entering an institution of higher learning.
NEIL DIAMOND: hands, touchin’ hands, reachin’ out, touchin’ me, touchin’ you
WALMART HR: ok so let’s go over the proper way to greet customers
[Exit interview]
HR: So, where do you think you went wrong?
GUY WHO LET THE BIG WOOD HORSE INTO TROY:
Holy shit he’s back
I may regret eating so many deviled eggs this weekend, but my family will regret it more.
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Yes.
*helps wife get toddler in his high chair*
wife: That’s a new shirt, let’s put a bib on you
me [wearing a bib] This is ridiculous
my lawyer wants me to turn myself into the police but I keep telling him impersonating a cop is what got me into trouble in the first place
Just gonna eat a cookie and reflect on this
My father will accept 10 ripe avocados in exchange for my hand in marriage.
But wait…
Girl, are you an environmentalist?
‘Cuz everytime you walk into a room you turn it into a heavily wooded area.
Me: *overthinking a million different scenarios
*one of those scenarios turns out to be true
Me: I KNEW IT!
i always get a lock of hair on the 1st date in case she dumps me i can still scrapbook about it
My brother called to tell me specifically that his Zoom party really took off after he told everyone the story of the one time I took a chance & overcame my shyness & went to buy a guy at a club a drink at but it turned out the guy was a mannequin & part of the décor.
the British: we demand to be taken seriously
also the British: I nipped down to Boggy Bottom and split a toad-in-the-hole with Mr Pumblychook
Boss: Why were you late today?
Me: *flashes back to standing motionless in my closet staring at my clothes for 20 mins*
Me: Traffic.
When a celebrity tweets a whiny complaint at an airline, I vigilantly pray for them to get stranded on a runway for 72 hours.