HER: [flirting] I bet you have a lot of skeletons in your closet.
ME: Haha no. Those bodies won’t show their skeletons for months.
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As a kid I taught myself to read. My brother stuck a peanut up his nose so he could be an elephant
He’s married with 3 great kids and a home now & I’m alone on a beanbag with Taco Bell on my 23rd episode of Forensic Files in a row so obvi I’m still the one making better choices
I saw an ad for a tree removal service with the line “We’ll come to you!” Great idea! So much more convenient than dragging my yard across town.
Imagining the Matrix pill scene if Neo bent down and ate the red pill directly out of Morpheus’ hand like a petting zoo goat and Morpheus completely froze weirded out
Don’t invite me places. I was cesarean. I didn’t want to come out then and I certainly don’t want to now
we should be using all the time technology frees up to expand language, not shorten it. instead of ‘prolly’ try ‘probababably.’
If you thought you had a rough night, my toddler couldn’t wear an oven mitt to bed.
me: this meeting couldve been an email
me when I get an email: I’m not reading that
me: this is dave. every word he says is brilliant
friend: hi dave
dave: brilliant
Remember when your mom would just drop you off at the mall and have no way to get in touch with you? I don’t even trust my kids to go upstairs alone.
“I’m still at the airport, actually.” -A woman next to me on the train just now
I think it’s only called hoarding when you’re poor.
In 8th grade, I had a crush on a boy in my class. At some point, I found out my family was moving & I was gonna switch schools. So, I wrote him a very long love letter. The day after I read it to him in front of my class, my parents decided I could keep going to the same school.
soft pretzels come one of 2 ways:
– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm
This South Beach diet is BRUTAL. I can only eat a sensible face for breakfast, a sensible face for lunch, then just CELERY for dinner.
Fries, not lies.
Me: I’ve got a 12 pack in the fridge
Him: Toss me a cold one
*Lettuce and cheese fly everywhere as the taco hits him square in the chest*
I’m going to open a food truck that sells chicken sandwiches. Park it next to Chick-fil-A and open it only on Sundays
It will be called Side Chick.
I sexually identify as that one escaped cricket who’s hopping around on the pet store floor.
it’s time for some pepper spray
-me, in a crowded elevator
Camp Detective: [struggling to get out of a hammock] I suppose you’re all – ugh – I suppose you’re all wondering – mmmmph! Goddamit – why I called you here toda- no! Don’t help me I CAN DO IT
You guys ever see a mannequin and think she’s completely out of your league?
Biden: Told Trump about Carter’s ghost in the West Wing
Obama: Carter is still alive
Biden: He doesn’t know that
It’s 2021. Why is this still a thing.
posted the “what are my red flags” thing on instagram and not a single person replied. just as i suspected, i am perfect.
Cargo pants are for when you want to wear khakis, but also want to be a backpack.
Love this guy
The definition of Irony:
Your job sucks
Your kids suck
Your life sucks
Your wife…doesn’t
Holy shit you guys. Twitter works outside too.
If Kim delivered food is she a Doordashian?
The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to complain to the manager.