First date:
*don’t let her know you’re a tyranosaurus, don’t let her know yo..*
Her: So, what do you do for a liv-
*bites her in half*
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You can rain on my parade but please don’t poop in my punch bowl.
You ask for a Swedish massage and then get mad when I roll meatballs on your back
I left a note for my kids this morning to put my clothes in the dryer. Next time, I’ll have to be a little more specific and add START THE DRYER TOO!!!
A smoke detector, but with voice recognition, that will turn off when you yell, “I’m just cooking”
They say olive oil is really healthy and you should put it on everything, but it makes my cat look like an otter.
whole time I was thinking “how’s Popeye gonna top this shit” then this mf justs —
Saw a guy on the highway in the car next to me sneeze so I ran him off the road and into the barrier. We’re in this together, folks
Welcome to your 40’s: the waitress is not hitting on you dude.
“Last call for flight 254”
[Runs to gate]
“You barely made it”
[out of breath] This isnt my flight. I just wanted to tell you I’m a vegan
wife: Can’t we just buy a bigger catflap?
me: [buttering the cat] We’re not made of money, Karen
Him: “Do you want to cuddle?”
Me: “Yeah, let me call the dog.”
Bird seed is amazing. I sprinkled some on the garden and when I checked 10 minutes later lots of new little birds had already sprung up.
me: I think there may have been a mixup at the hospital. this isn’t my baby
him: mom I’m 35 years old
batman: I protect the innocent, the helpless, the people with no one left to save them
alfred: right
batman: also need you to make another costume, I adopted an angsty orphan and wanna send him to fight an insane clown
Wile Coyote was the original online shopper and helped advance modern logistics and distribution.
When my son was in grade school the teacher asked the class what they should do if they think there is a fire and he shouted GO TURN THE STOVE OFF DINNER IS READY
The lady on the news said that alcohol sales are down significantly in Alberta.
I’ve been sober for 57 days.So technically, I was on the news tonight.
I thought I was smooth, sneaking away from my date to watch a YouTube tutorial on chopsticks, but all he did was ask in horror why I took my chopsticks into the bathroom.
Pls tell me if you can do drunk texting better than this 😂😂
If you try to rob my house, you should know that the item in the house I paid the most for are my son’s braces.
My dream of making Playboy gone, so my best bet is National Geographic photographing me naked, carrying water on my head.
[1st date]
HER: My favorite movie is Zoolander, how bout u?
ME: OMG SAME
HER: What part’s ur fave?
ME: Um [sweating] when he lands a zoo
I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point
I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.
Schools need to start doing pictures on the first day. It’s the only day I remember to try to make my kids look presentable.
That awkward moment when someone asks if you’ve dyed your hair and you say no, its just clean.
Wearing shades inside makes me look cool, right?
*Trips over the cat*
Most of my Biology exams were Bio D Gradeable.
I’ll let myself out.
If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.
Mafia Boss: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Fishes: we’re not sleeping with this nerd
Me: um technically the plural is *fish*