This is the dumbest end of the world ever.
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“Alcohol is just water with feelings in it,” said the girl who failed chemistry.
What’s the most baby state? Washington because WA
*slowly backs away from you
*down the stairs
*out the door
*along the street
*through the airport
*onto to a plane
*into another country
[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] what the heck
Inception (2010) – Five men and one woman plot to nap on a plane.
One minute you’re 18 years old and in the mosh pit at a Black Sabbath concert and the next you’re ordering compression socks off of Amazon.
god I hope there’s no such thing as reincarnation I’m way too tired to do this again
My uncle got stuck in a cloud while skydiving and lived for 72 days by drinking rain and eating birds that flew too close
No one has tried to kill me in awhile, and my body double is openly complaining the job I hired him for is less exciting than promised.
Let’s call wedding invitations what they are; a bill.
There are not enough romantic comedies about a small town girl falling in love with a city pizza.
Friend: what are u doing
Me: training my pet rock
Friend: that’s dumb
Pet Rock: *leaps from my hand & hits him in the face*
Me: no rocky, no
The first five days after the weekend are the worst.
Mean while, back on Facebook, Jennifer is blaming the birth of her son for her being fat.
Her son is 6 ….
All toilet seats can be heated toilet seats if you push people off them and sit real fast.
Me: I save a bunch of time by not having to tie my shoes.
Her: What do you do with the time saved?
Me: *tying my dogs shoes* Sorry, what?
Words I say when I sing along to Informer by Snow:
Informer
people say they’re “over the moon” when they’re happy, but it’s a lie; the moon is one of those things you will never truly get over
I like how the use of the passive implies William Shatner has no say in the matter
If a vacuum cleaner really sucks does this mean it’s good or bad?
*shaking my boyfriend awake* babe. babe. what was the best thing BEFORE sliced bread.
Yesterday I watched Rogue One, featuring a cameo from Carrie Fisher.
One hour later she was dead.
So today I’ll be watching Home Alone 2.
Murderer: [stabs me]
Me: [does a kart wheel at the exact right moment resulting in the appendectomy I need but can’t afford bc I live in the US]
therapist: and what do we do when we are sad?
me: add to cart
therapist: no
I don’t need a boyfriend, I need someone to roll me up in a carpet and throw me off a cliff.
I washed my antibiotic pills down with a probiotic shake and now I’m back to square one.
*twirls fork through hair*
So, is it is really murder if you stab them when they stand between you and your cake?
making threatening gestures at cows with my ice cream scoop
Tomorrow’s weather forecast:
60% chance of rain, 15% chance of snow, and 0.0017% chance that none of this is real and you’re just a happy little forest gnome who nibbled on the wrong kind of mushroom.