The good news is it wasn’t a bug. The bad news is I beat the crap out of a black bean on the floor with my shoe.
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Sure, you can get your wife jewelry or an expensive purse or perfume for Christmas, but she will never forget the Christmas you got her a mop. Never.
I like to make sure my breath is always fresh.
*eats entire sleeve of Thin Mints*
My stylist cut my bangs too short so now I look like a dreadfully concerned 7 year old.
So we’re agreed: if that balloon flies over any of us, we moon it like it’s 1978
My coworker doesn’t like me which is weird bc her husband does.
website: do you accept cookies?
me: into my heart as my Lord and savior
If my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, I’m handing them rakes.
UPDATE: My wife’s resolution to yell at the kids less has just taken a very bad turn.
Maybe your jeans are distressed because you’re wearing them?
“This is going to hurt me more than it hurts you” he said, without even realizing that he was holding the tazer backwards.
My friend’s girl broke up with him because she didn’t like his pet lizard.
I knew she didn’t like him from the gecko.
Me: *clapping enthusiastically*
You: an actual strobe light would be more effective for the dance party, tho
To: Everybody
Subject: Dance Now
Cc: Music Factory
We should probably abolish the death penalty since we don’t even get to throw rotten vegetables at people anymore
Never ask a shepherd how many sheep he owns, I don’t think he’d know, he probably falls asleep every time he takes inventory.
* Puts leftover pizza in the work fridge at 7am
My brain at 7:04:
eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza
I’m wearing a push-up bra and can still only do 3 push-ups. Would not recommend.
Important question of the day:
Are centaurs technically insects?
They’ve got a sort of segmented body and have six limbs so…
*lights dim in restaurant*
DATE: did it just become sexier in here?
ME: I CAN’T SEE MY MENU
Wife: *on phone* our son is on the ceiling, I think he’s possessed
Me: by Spider-Man?
Wife: his head just spun around
Me: *eyes narrow* Owl-Man
People: it’s important to limit your children’s screen time
School System: y’all heard about virtual learning?
[inventing eggnog]
Exec: Gag them, but festively.
My kids are doing things in Minecraft that are likely serial killer warning signs.
My hometown is so charming. Everyone’s got the spirit animal of gum stuck under the diner table
[pulling the casket a few inches away from the wall during a funeral]
sorry just need to plug in my phone for a minute
You know you’re old when you get a “You up?” text….
And it’s 8:25 p.m.
me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up
my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass
5: I want to be like you, Daddy.
Me: Aww. Thanks, bud.
5: My back hurts. My neck hurts. My feet hurt.
Me:
5: My head hurts.
Me: I get it.
*walks outside to see an abandoned post-apocalyptic desert, humanity wiped out, no one to be seen*
“Ugh the ONE day my hair looks perfect”
you can’t piss me off. you’re not the doorknob i keep getting my clothes caught on.