A journey of a thousand miles
begins with-running back in the house for
something you forgot.
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“What if your breakfast could occasionally spit acid in your eye?”
-Inventor of grapefruit
My mom keeps telling me there are plenty of fish in the sea. She REALLY doesn’t get me anymore. I. Don’t. Want. A. Fish.
I ordered a pizza.
I don’t think the guy understood how to get here.
Is it free if it’s 5 years late?
Boss: We need you to go undercover
Me: No problem I’m great at keeping secrets like when I peed my pants on my first day here
Boss: Today’s your first day
Fantasy:
We run in slow motion toward each other across an open field.
Her side is mined.
Cute girl online: I have no idea how you’re single!
Me: Yeah I don’t know. They’re crazy I guess.
*eats ravioli out of the can with my keys*
MAN!! My boss is always “Blah blah blah”, “You’re late”, and “Get me more pictures of Spiderman!!”
I just walked into my room holding the remote and a glass of chocolate milk and I meant to toss the remote into my bed but instead I tossed the glass of chocolate milk onto my bed
there will never be a funnier headline than this one
I hate birds as much as the next guy, but not enough to hold one prisoner in a cage at my home
[ouija board]
“Spirits are u there?
I A M H E R E. Y O U W A N N A T A L K? Y O U W A N N A H A N G O U T?
[squints]
“A needy board?”
Studies show that men born between the 1st and the 31st day of the month are sexier than the others.
anime mfs be like “i promise it gets better just wait till episode 561 bro”
Me *dying* no, no, no, I can’t join the afterlife with these on
[Later]
Wife: What the hell is that noise?
Son: I think that ghost is wearing flip flops
I got a new fitness tracker. Last night at 11pm, it alerted me I only needed 1785 more steps to complete the goal. My friend, no.
*Hello this is your pilot speaking, we still have about 9 hours in the air so let me entertain you folks reading you some of my tweets*
My ancestors watching me pay $10 for a pint of ice cream
I can’t wait when I’m old enough to blame my age on why I’m stealing batteries and cheese
I love it when Google maps takes me on a little adventure. Dirt road along the highway? Don’t mind if I do.
don’t ask me explain this but a golden retriever is like the 1990s in dog form
Legend of Tarzan 2:
Tarzan meets other primates.
He befriends them all.
He teaches them to fight.
It’s a prequel to Planet of the Apes.
In my trunk is a tire iron, a box of human hair, and a bottle of Grey Goose. I’m always prepared for an impromptu crime scene tampering.
Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
Welcome to your 40s: you can do yard work or you can walk tomorrow, your choice.
Def Leppard are a bunch of liars. I poured some sugar on a girl one time and it was a complete mess, she was not happy at all.
Missing those days when “hemorrhoids” was just a challenging word to spell.
my roommate is terrible at remembering lyrics and is currently in the shower singing “something something armadillo, something something armadillo, something something armadillo, armadillo suitcase, we didn’t start the fire-“
If you see me out in public but we haven’t spoken since high school let’s keep it that way.
Every mealtime I put a table mat under 9’s plate to catch the crumbs so they don’t go on the floor and at the end of every mealtime he sweeps the crumbs off the mat onto the floor. I think he’s faulty and would like a refund
Even autocorrect has no idea where I’m going with this.