My 3yo ran up me so I could protect her while we were playing laser tag, so I picked her up and used her like a shield so I could take her brother out.
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[on a movie date]
me: wanna kiss
date: no thanks
me: *turning to the other person next to me* what about u
“Hello, yes, I’m going to need a tray of hors d’oeuvres delivered this Tuesday at noon to the blue Acura parked next to the dumpster behind the Kohl’s on 14th Street.”
Hormonal teenage daughter: Where do you want to be buried?
Me: You mean after I die, right?
The strangest thing happened. A coworker who always says, “Living the dream” was mysteriously stabbed 37 times in the neck with my car keys.
Me: Quick question: Did you ask me to help raise your baby, or help “braise” your baby?
Her: Are you grilling something out back? That smells delicious
Me: Please answer my question first
Top 5 things to ditch in 2017
5. Debt
4. People you don’t like
3. Facebook
2. Drama
1. The bodies
[amusement park]
me: *arms up, screaming*
cashier: but that is the price
Tonight I have taught my 2yr old a very valuable lesson.
He now knows that chips can be used to eat guacamole.
“Ma’am, are you aware that you were going 92 in a 55? I’m gonna need you to step out of the car.”
“Um, I have a boyfriend.”
So many recipes say they can be made with stuff you definitely have in your kitchen already, but then none of them ever call for expired sour cream or the giant extra thing of red pepper flakes you bought by accident.
M: I’m so glad school started!
12: Can you help me with my math?
M: OMG WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME?!
Kid’s tiny friend: My mom sent me here as she is cleaning our house.
My kid: why is she cleaning, is anyone visiting?
*stomps feet twice and claps over and over until everyone at the funeral is doing it* “we will…we will..miss you”
Pretty much the most frightening part of my day is when I get a notification that my mother has tagged me in a post on Facebook.
Mom would send me to the store and I would spend the change on candy and told her I lost it, so she started giving me exact change and I started losing a loaf of bread on the way home.
i love that bands still pretend to leave before their encore. like peekaboo for adults
I’m not saying my life lacks excitement, but I did linger in the room my 6yo was playing in just to watch Barbie breakup with a horse.
You’re not USELESS…
I’m just saying that 300 years ago YOU would’ve been the one to test which mushrooms the village could & couldn’t eat
Fact: Alcohol increases the size of the send button by 89%
Just called to make an appointment with a psychic but she told me that I don’t show up.
Murderer 1: well this is awkward
Murderer 2: omg Dave haha what are the chances!
Murderer 1: how’s Carol?
Murderer 2: you know, same old same ol-
Me: EXCUSE ME
Bruh 😭😭😭😭
Ocean’s 45:
The group gets bigger each heist
It’s too hard to keep secrets
Someone posts the next plan on Facebook
Everyone goes to jail
“We’re not so different, you and I,” Mitt Romney said to a stack of white printer paper.
Had another account randomly tweet me to tell me that my avi creeps them out.
Thanks. It’s my face. lol
RT if you could go either way.
Nothing in my college degree prepared me for having the cat supervise me while I clean out the litter box.
Kids, because why would you want to sleep on more than 6 inches of your king size bed?
Mountain Goat : )
After years of commercials, I still have no idea what a Go Daddy is