I think my wife has been messing with me, my present this year was two socks that had been missing from the laundry.
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Every time this gets RTed a member of Congress gets kicked in the groin.
ME: “Aloe Vera”
VERA: “Aloe”
EARTH: Goodnight Moon
MOON: Goodnight Earth
EARTH: Come closer and give me a kiss
MOON: Okay
{millions perish in massive tidal wave}
Kid: *falls down*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *runs into table*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *ball hits them in face*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *drops phone*
Me: OMG, did you break it?!
I’ve learned many things from working with younger people but one is that you can deliver some pretty terrible news followed by lol.
My wife and I stood waving to the neighbor for 10 minutes this morning before we realized she was cleaning her windows.
My Favorite Store: Here is an awesome coupon for 89% off any regular priced item!
Also My Favorite Store: We’re gonna put everything just a tiny bit on sale to render all coupons useless
Me: What are you doing sweet girl
4yo: Making my dolls eat brains.Help.
Judge: You have power of attorney?
Me:*curling two briefcases* Pfft. What do you think, bruh?
Welcome to your 40s: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.
In high school, one of my friends was a mormon who wanted to have twins named Idaho and Udaho, and I think about that a lot
drummer: “just add er on the end of your instrument”
guy who plays trumpet: “so im a trumpeter, ok cool”
guy who plays trombone: “oh no”
Was reminded yesterday that this exists so I’m dusting it off
Virtual learning silver lining: When your kids don’t leave the house all day, you can go longer without bathing them.
When people write, “your dumb,” maybe it’s not a typo–they just mean stupidity belongs to you. “Here’s your dumb now leave.”
Just peed so much that a little laugh came out.
I always wondered how Neapolitan ice cream was made…
Fun prank: a chameleon exhibit with no chameleon.
I had no social life in high school. Even my imaginary best friend had a date for the prom.
this kid says there was a weird sweaty man in the ball pit but I was in there and didn’t see him
I serve garlic bread at every meal, but these blood-sucking vampires still haven’t moved out.
“Oh Shit, Was That Today?” an autobiography
It would be magical for babies and toddlers to fly with animals. In that part of the plane.
Priest: tell me your confessions
Me: I said the f word twice this week
Priest: [70% sure I stole his meatball sub from the church fridge] anything else
When the pandemic ends, don’t forget to update your Face ID so your phone can recognize you without that cheeto dust mustache.
[Terminator Academy]
Terminator: When you travel to the past you will arrive nude.
Insecurminator: oh no!
Life of an Editor:
I just sat here for a good minute or so going, “Goatfully? That can’t be it. What’s the word I’m looking for? STOP saying ‘goatfully,’ brain!”
It was “sheepishly,” folks.
5 yo- *being incredibly loud and obnoxious* I’m trying to bother that fly because maybe he will get annoyed and die.
Apparently I am the fly.
[grounding my son]
me: THAT’S IT! You’re out of the school play!
wife (whispering): he doesn’t actually care about that play
me (whispering): I know, I just really don’t want to go to it
cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5
the look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless