*Knocks down spider web*
Spider: Rude
*Hangs up spider web Halloween decorations*
Spider: Unbelievable
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I almost choken on food and the whole time it was happening I was just thinking “What a cliche way for a fat person to die of”
Stop asking me why I do things, the answer is always “I panicked”
When I die, someone, please attend my funeral dressed as the Grim Reaper and just stand there and don’t say a word. Thanks.
the song firestarter, but it’s about my cooking skills
Everyone gets ONE famous scientologist they’re allowed to pretend isn’t really a scientologist in order to fully and purely enjoy their work.
What do you mean the project is DUE TOMORROW?!
– a parenting memoir
I’m that asshole that holds the door open for you when you’re 50 feet away. You know, so you have to run a little.
Carrots cant float. But if you tie fishy wire to one and hang it in the air and look at it from far away, it almost look like its floating
My wife traumatically ripped the blankets off me last night. But I will recover.
Bank ads make me want to hide my money under my mattress.
They also make me want to acquire some money for hiding, but that’s a side issue.
There are two types of people in this world:
1)People who tried to move an object with their mind at least once
2)Liars
It’s almost as if my husband actually believes I’m saving us money when I say “I got it on sale.”
Cyclists who think you’re both a car AND a pedestrian.
Explain yourselves.
When I sign an email “Yours” it’s not a term of endearment— it means this email is now yours I’m done with it get it away from me.
[Contract Law]
BOSS: for example when you go into a store and buy a banjo for $200 you’re entering into a contract
ME: so there’s strings attached?
My 6yo is excited at the possibility of being a ghost, but wants to know if her toys will remain real toys or become ghost toys
Me: Just a woman looking for a connection in this thermal nuclear apocalypse.
Guy: Hey-
Me: Not you.
A moth is just a butterfly with glasses and its hair up.
My new oil business is a nonprofit but only because I’m not making any money and just buying yachts.
Me: I’ve had this for 3 weeks & I’m still single!
HomeDepot Clerk: ma’am, a stud finder is for the beams in your wall
Me: that was unclear
WHAT DO WE WANT?
RACE CAR NOISES!!!
WHEN DO WE WANT THEM??
NEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW
David Attenborough, the confusing early years
When my first baby was born, we didn’t have smart phones to look at while cradling a baby so she stays sleeps, so I had to balance a hard backed library book without dropping it on her head which is no easy feat I tell ya.
This time of year, I get sick of everyone writing an “X” instead of “Christ”. I think it’s time we all put the Christ back in Christ-box 360
Rosetta Stone says they’ll have me speaking another language in a month. Babbel says one week. But this bourbon only takes, like, an hour.
Always a bridesmaid, never a bride. Because, I’m smarter than my friends.
“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
Vaccines comes from doctors –> Doctors are part of Obamacare –> Vaccines are BAD #Bible #AmericanSniper
How much for the vacation home?
Sir, this is a coffin.