“NO YOU’RE DRUNK,” she says playfully into the mirror, then promptly resumes disappointing her boyfriend’s mom at family dinner.
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You found poison in his stomach? But he HATED poison!
Him: You okay?
Me eating a tube of cookie dough like a banana: Yeah, why?
Bake a book inside a cake and help a convict escape into his or her imagination.
I feel like movies exaggerate men’s enthusiasm for having meaningful conversations while playing pool.
Dear Coworker, If I’m nodding my head & smiling at everything you’ve said, this means I’m fantasizing about getting banged by David Beckham.
Me, looking at Met Gala outfits: But how do they go to the bathroom in that?
Hey! Remember how fat your arms are?
-Summer
When I die, I’m donating my body to the theater department. The science department has enough bodies. I want to be a theater prop.
The shortest distance between two points is over a cyclist.
~Australian drivers, apparently.
10yo: You know that’s not what they mean by exercise, right?
Me: Pfft. [continues shaking Fitbit up and down]
Why is everyone worried about meteors instead of the possibility that Russia just got their own Superman?
[A field]
*An elderly Louie Pasteur and I sit among the clover, I hold a shotgun*
Me: It’s time to put you out to pasture. *Cocks shotgun*
(Date)
“What’s wrong?”
Oh nothing I’m just a nervous hummer
“Aw how cute!!”
*perfectly hums the entire Jurassic Park theme at full volume*
[Me visiting US for the first time]
Friend: This is a dollar store
Me: Why’s it called that?
Friend: Cos everything costs a dollar
Me: How’s about this candy bar?
Friend: Duh, it’s a dollar
Me: Cool. OK, I’ll buy this pack of pens
Assistant: That’s $1.08
HER: i love babies
ME: *trying to impress* i cry when i’m hungry
if I would’ve known that you were going to ask me what I was thinking I wouldn’t have been thinking what I was thinking.
Let’s hear it for the staff in this branch of Maplin, still able to crack funnies ahead of their store’s impending closure …
Just killed a spider IN MY BED!! So if you need me, I’ll be burning down my home and looking for a new place to live.
“You’re driving us apart!” —Crazy woman you met on eHarmony who’s hanging onto your windshield wipers as you turn the corner
I used to think alcohol silenced the voices in my head until I realised it had just moved them to my mouth.
VILLAIN: *Stroking cat* I’ve been expec-
BOND: OMG your kitty is so cute! Can I pet him?!
V:*Whining* Tiiim, you said this was intimidating!
My tweets use many of the same letters as Shakespeare.
Boss: Can I have a word with you?
Me: umbrella
Isn’t it annoying when someone sits next to you in an empty cinema? I didn’t think so but that’s what my new best friend is telling security
Doing couples therapy by myself to try and get double the help
If you want to become a beatboxing champion, try zipping up a tight dress.
I like to split up my kid’s orange so he can refuse to eat half at lunch and refuse to eat the other half at snack
it’s dangerous to go alone. take this with you
one of my students brought back his report card today signed “MOMMY” 😭
Yes judgmental liquor store cashier, I must be having another big party.